"Speech Jamming Gun"

Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.

Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.

Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".

Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.

A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?

Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.

President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.

New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".

Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of

McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.

Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"

Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.

NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).

Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.

The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.

Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.

A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Away From Soccer"

ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.

New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?

A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.

Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?

NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".

Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".

A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.

A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Lost An Eye"

A UK hospital is treating a three year old for alcoholism. Hey Bieber, quit the partying.

A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.

The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".

Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".

Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"On The Shelves"

“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.

A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.

Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.

A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.

A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.

A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.

Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.

Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.

A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.

A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.

A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".

A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Kill The Bill"

Tragically, an airplane making an emergency landing on a beach on South Carolina hit and killed a jogger. You would think that Sully Sullenberger would land in the water like always.

Madonna was recently on “The Marriage Ref”, and she gave advice to married couples in distress. That's like Kirstie Alley teaching nutrition.

A study says that people in power make better liars. Let me put that study into one word: politicians.

A Democratic lawmaker says a protester stood up in the House gallery, yelled "Kill the bill" and was cheered by Republicans. The protester then yelled, "Thank you, my fellow Republicans, and your checks are in the mail".

Scientists say that the news media paints an overly optimistic picture of cancer. I don't think that people talking about how millions die every year from cancer is optimistic.

Among children and teenagers with asthma, those who also have peanut allergies may have more or more-severe asthma attacks, a new study suggests. Especially if they are around peanuts.

The FDA has announced plans to crack down on sales of tobacco to underage users. To which President Obama said, "Yay, more cigarettes for me!".

A Bengal tiger in Mississippi, who would wow spectators with his size and antics at the Buffalo Park and Zoo, has been euthanized after a lengthy illness. Based on what he's known for, he will be forever known as Chad Ochocinco.

Those jokes are all I have for today! Come back tomorrow for more "humor".

"Working Weekends"

An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?

Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.

The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.

Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.

President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.

Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.

Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".

“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".

I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".

TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...

Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".

Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.

Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.

Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.

That's it for now. More tomorrow!

"Drugged Driving"

College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.

Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.

The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.

South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.

Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.

Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.

Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.

A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.

Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.

That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!

"The iPhone Is Addicting"

Last week was National Procrastination Week. Isn't it ironic that I'm telling you this now?

Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.

Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.

A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"

Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.

A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.

Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.

The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.

The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.

A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.

About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.

Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.

Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.

Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?

That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!