President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Internet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Internet. Show all posts
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"Low Quality Child Care"
Joke of the Day: Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the win column for the Detroit Lions.
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.
Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.
A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?
A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.
A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.
Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.
That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Planning to Reinvent Itself"
Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
Monday, March 15, 2010
"Working Weekends"
An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"
Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Friday, February 5, 2010
"The Most Drunk City In The US"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
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