An Ohio HS football player wrote a poem about his team’s poor performance. It described in detail their OT loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.
The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.
The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.
Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.
14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.
Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.
Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.
There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called AlexSchubertFinallyHasAChance.com.
Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.
Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Dog Meat Soup"
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Welcome 2 America"
Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"Empty Calories"
A poll says 32.3% of Americans are not affiliated with a major party. The other 67.7% work in politics.
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Food Porn"
The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Friday, February 26, 2010
"A Profanity Free Week"
A 1939 comic book with the debut of Batman has sold for $1 Million. However, when he saw the price on the cover, he asked for a refund of $999,999.90.
The California Legislature is voting to declare a profanity free week. So far the vote is 50/50. Half said "aye" and the other half said "F*** no".
Toyota Chief Akio Toyoda toured a company plant in Kentucky and says the company is at a crossroads. Wait, Kentucky has roads?
Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. My Chemistry teacher, Mr. Venditto, is doing the exact same thing with my class. He doesn't think we know the element Lead like we should.
Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. It's called a Kindergarten diploma.
A government panel is now recommending that virtually all Americans get a flu shot each year, starting this fall. Except, of course, for Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney.
A Bollywood filmmaker has issued a lucrative challenge to horror movie fans: a $10,000 reward for anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller, alone, in a cinema until the closing credits. I'm assuming the film is really scary or really crappy.
Lawyers for U.S. pop singer Prince agreed Friday to pay substantial damages for his unexplained cancellation of a 2008 concert in Ireland's largest stadium. I guess nobody had the heart to tell him that he can't sing anymore.
The Minnesota Vikings are apparently "OK" while Brett Favre decides whether he wants to return or not. No wonder they are OK with it. They've gotten used to that every year.
Growing Pains star Andrew Koenig had a long battle with depression before his apparent suicide. Somebody should have told him a long time ago to stop watching reruns of Growing Pains.
Shaquille O'Neal sustained a "significant" right thumb sprain that forced him to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers' game Thursday night against Boston. This wasn't all bad for the Cavs. At least Shaq didn't have to get fouled.
Desiree Rogers is stepping down from her post as social secretary, effective next month, two White House aides said Friday. However, her contribution level will not change.
That's it for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
The California Legislature is voting to declare a profanity free week. So far the vote is 50/50. Half said "aye" and the other half said "F*** no".
Toyota Chief Akio Toyoda toured a company plant in Kentucky and says the company is at a crossroads. Wait, Kentucky has roads?
Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. My Chemistry teacher, Mr. Venditto, is doing the exact same thing with my class. He doesn't think we know the element Lead like we should.
Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. It's called a Kindergarten diploma.
A government panel is now recommending that virtually all Americans get a flu shot each year, starting this fall. Except, of course, for Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney.
A Bollywood filmmaker has issued a lucrative challenge to horror movie fans: a $10,000 reward for anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller, alone, in a cinema until the closing credits. I'm assuming the film is really scary or really crappy.
Lawyers for U.S. pop singer Prince agreed Friday to pay substantial damages for his unexplained cancellation of a 2008 concert in Ireland's largest stadium. I guess nobody had the heart to tell him that he can't sing anymore.
The Minnesota Vikings are apparently "OK" while Brett Favre decides whether he wants to return or not. No wonder they are OK with it. They've gotten used to that every year.
Growing Pains star Andrew Koenig had a long battle with depression before his apparent suicide. Somebody should have told him a long time ago to stop watching reruns of Growing Pains.
Shaquille O'Neal sustained a "significant" right thumb sprain that forced him to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers' game Thursday night against Boston. This wasn't all bad for the Cavs. At least Shaq didn't have to get fouled.
Desiree Rogers is stepping down from her post as social secretary, effective next month, two White House aides said Friday. However, her contribution level will not change.
That's it for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
"Ill-Fitting Condoms"
Retiring Sen. Evan Bayh says the public should apply an electoral “shock” to the American political system. I disagree. I would apply an electrical "shock" to the American political system.
Scientists think that the parents of the famous pharaoh King Tut were most likely brother and sister. He must have been born in the small Egyptian town of Alabama.
A new study found that many men complain about ill-fitting condoms. Wait, Americans use condoms?
The US Olympic men’s hockey team goalie, Ryan Miller, had the phrase “Miller Time” painted on his mask, but Olympics officials made him cover it up. Still no word on the US's right wing, Johnny Hammer.
A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year. That same study suggests that Britons have the same mentality when it comes to their teeth.
In a recent survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, 43% of the respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex. The other 57% of Canadians are not considered clinically obese.
A recent study has found that 1 in 3 Americans participate in online dating. Talk about a country living in eHarmony.
A man named Robin Hood has been arrested for Identity Theft. Police first became suspicious when they saw him with the credit cards of Alan-a-Dale, Maid Marian, and Friar Tuck.
Toyota is considering a recall of its hot-selling Corolla subcompact after complaints about power steering problems. Toyota has had problems with the accelerator, brakes, and now the steering wheel. Anyone still driving a Toyota nowadays should consider a suicide prevention program.
"Tonight Show" band director Kevin Eubanks says he may be leaving the show. This is quite shocking. Someone could choose whether they wanted to leave the Tonight Show?
These are some of my best jokes I have ever come up with - all in one day! More tomorrow!
Scientists think that the parents of the famous pharaoh King Tut were most likely brother and sister. He must have been born in the small Egyptian town of Alabama.
A new study found that many men complain about ill-fitting condoms. Wait, Americans use condoms?
The US Olympic men’s hockey team goalie, Ryan Miller, had the phrase “Miller Time” painted on his mask, but Olympics officials made him cover it up. Still no word on the US's right wing, Johnny Hammer.
A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year. That same study suggests that Britons have the same mentality when it comes to their teeth.
In a recent survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, 43% of the respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex. The other 57% of Canadians are not considered clinically obese.
A recent study has found that 1 in 3 Americans participate in online dating. Talk about a country living in eHarmony.
A man named Robin Hood has been arrested for Identity Theft. Police first became suspicious when they saw him with the credit cards of Alan-a-Dale, Maid Marian, and Friar Tuck.
Toyota is considering a recall of its hot-selling Corolla subcompact after complaints about power steering problems. Toyota has had problems with the accelerator, brakes, and now the steering wheel. Anyone still driving a Toyota nowadays should consider a suicide prevention program.
"Tonight Show" band director Kevin Eubanks says he may be leaving the show. This is quite shocking. Someone could choose whether they wanted to leave the Tonight Show?
These are some of my best jokes I have ever come up with - all in one day! More tomorrow!
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