"Coronavirus Fears"

Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.

Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”

The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.

A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.

Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.

Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.

The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.

Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.

The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.

The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”

38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.

Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.

That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!

"Free Condoms"

Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.

McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?

New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".

An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.

Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?

A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.

Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.

An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.

Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?

O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.

Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Being Dishonest"

President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".

Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.

Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.

Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.

A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".

A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.

Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.

The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.

A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.

Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.

A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?

A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.

Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.

McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.

That's all for today! More today!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.

"Not A Human Being"

Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.

Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.

Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".

The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...

Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.

A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.

Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.

ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?

Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.

A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?

A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".

McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?

Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".

The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.

That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!

A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.

"Moving To Florida"

After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.

A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.

The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.

A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.

Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?

An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?

Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.

A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.

Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Eat Pray Love"

Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.

Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".

The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.

The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.

Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.

A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.

A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.

Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.

The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.

President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.

An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.

A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?

A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".

A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Tumultuous 16-Month Tenure"

Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?

Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.

McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.

A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".

A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.

The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".

Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.

AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.

A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?

A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.

A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?

That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!

"Another Player's Shoe"

Joke of the Day: An immigrant won Sunday night's Miss USA pageant. One thing's for sure: She wasn't Miss Arizona.

A mile-long tube installed by BP is sucking away the oil that has been gushing out of the broken pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico. BP is also sucking money out of our wallets by raising gas prices by $2.00 a gallon.

The current flight of the space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to be its final flight. It will land underwater where it will stay for the rest of eternity.

A 94-year-old California woman graduated from Mills College in Oakland, finally earning her college degree. The other thing that woman just crossed off her bucket list: host Saturday Night Live.

A California high school girl’s softball coach forced 8 players who struck out during a recent game to drink soda from another player’s shoe. Their choices were to drink soda from the shoe or drink Diet Coke from the can.

Rumors on the Internet say that one of LeBron James’ Cavaliers teammates has been sleeping with his mother. Even more reason for him to leave Cleveland.

A new study says that burgers and fries worsen asthma. The conductors of the study apparently made the participants walk to and from McDonald's.

BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. Or, as BP calls it, one fill-up.

Las Vegas is reacting to the housing bust by building thousands of new homes. That's like trying to cure the obesity epidemic by doubling production at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

The Kansas City Royals have fired third base coach Dave Owen. The Royals didn't think he was necessary because, of course, nobody on the Kansas City Royals can get to third base.

A survey says small business owners are more upbeat about the economy. That's because they are still among the very few Americans who actually has a job.

A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. To those unhappy Facebook users, there's this crazy thing called "Deleting Your Account".

Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. In a related story, the Cubans have found a shortcut to Miami.

That's all I have for right now. More later!

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!

"The University Of Irony"

An Italian exorcist says that Satan is behind the recent media attacks against the Pope. I'm not sure, however, that Rush Limbaugh cares about Catholicism.

The FAA is dropping a ban preventing clinically depressed pilots from flying. Now what about drunk pilots?

A poll says Americans feel the Republican Party would manage the economy better than the Democrats. This poll was found on Rush Limbaugh's fan site.

President Obama said in his Easter Address that "We must embrace the shared spirit of humanity". Apparently Republicans were not included in his speech.

Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man really became angry when his pet fish begged him to give it back.

A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals. She walked into the dugout and received a standing ovation, hugs from her relatives, and a phone number from Larry King.

Among depressed people, anxiety associated with worrying may help relieve depression, a new study suggests. The study was conducted at the University of Irony.

A farmer recently discovered the fossil skeleton of an ant-eating dinosaur. This dinosaur is described as the world's greatest pet to bring to a picnic.

More tomorrow! Friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/chickenscrossroads !

"Arrested In Bakersfield"

A study in New York City tried to find out what smells people like and dislike. I'm pretty sure one of the smells they didn't like was New York City.

America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.

A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.

The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.

A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".

A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.

Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?

A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.

In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".

The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.

A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.

NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".

Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!

"Live Fish In Barber Shops"

A California woman went into labor unexpectedly and gave birth with the help of her own children. The children called it "Talking poo-poo".

A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?

Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.

A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.

The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.

The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.

The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.

A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.

Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.

Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.

A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"

It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.

In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.

In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.

"A Reality Show For Alaska"

The FAA is investigating an air traffic controller who brought his two children in to work and let them transmit directions to pilots. A pilot would only do that if he was really drunk, and we know that would never happen.

Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.

McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".

Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".

Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"

A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.

Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.

New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.

Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?

More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.

A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.

That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.

"The Mark McGwire Highway"

Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.

The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.

The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.

A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.

The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?

Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.

Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.

80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?

More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.

Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.

The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.

People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.

New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.

General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.

That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!