The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.
A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.
The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.
Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.
Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.
Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.
Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.
Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.
Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.
Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.
Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.
Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"
Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.
A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.
President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.
That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!
Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"
Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.
Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.
An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.
The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.
A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.
A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.
A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.
A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.
Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.
A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.
Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.
A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.
Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.
Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.
Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.
That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!
Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.
An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.
The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.
A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.
A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.
A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.
A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.
Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.
A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.
Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.
A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.
Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.
Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.
Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.
That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!
Friday, June 24, 2011
"A Wailing Baby"
Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.
Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.
A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.
Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".
Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.
Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.
Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.
Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.
A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.
Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".
Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.
Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.
Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"50 Pound Breast Implants"
A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Friday, February 25, 2011
"List Of Performances"
Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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