"Deez Nuts"

Derrick Rose has been accused of drugging and raping his ex-girlfriend. To be fair, he tore his ACL while going after her the last time she ran away.

A guy named Deez Nuts ran as an independent presidential candidate. Coincidentally, "Deez Nuts" is the collective name of all the Republican nominees.

Sesame Street will now air on HBO. This is fantastic, because now I get to find out what Big Bird's sideboob looks like.

Jets QB Geno Smith is out for 6-10 weeks after breaking jaw in a locker room fight. The injury is a devastating blow to opposing defenses.

Texans RB Arian Foster opened up about not believing in God. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert opened up about not believing in Arian Foster's hamstring.

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is going to be a dad. I think I speak for all hack open mikers when I say this was a result of One Erection.

The LA Clippers successfully lobbied DeAndre Jordan to stay with the Clippers instead of leaving to join the Mavericks. Now, the Clippers will camp out in my apartment until I quit comedy.

The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in all 50 US states. Now, Republicans are eagerly awaiting to blame the next hurricane on the Supreme Court's ruling.

Rick Perry said the Charleston shooting was an "accident". Wow, I can't believe I misunderstood "I'm here to kill black people" as blatant racism.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI. The whole thing could've been prevented if the bartender listened when Dave Coulier said "Cut. Him. Off."

A study says Nickelback has the most intelligent lyrics in rock. I can't help but look at this ridiculous study. Every time I do it makes me laugh.

Josh Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting has confessed to molesting some of his younger sisters. Before we know it, one of his other sisters will become an open mic comedian and do an "I wasn't hot enough to be molested" joke.

That's all I have for right now. Ready for a big update? Tough shit, nothing has really happened. Just continuing on my comedy grind. I did a guest spot in Dayton for Brent Morin from NBC's Undateable, and I had a kickass time at Brewhaha once again, but other than that, it's been fairly stagnant as of late. That's not to say I haven't been trying. I've been writing tons of jokes (as you can see above), and I feel that I've improved ever since my weekend. Well, you can go back to your fun life of going through random blogs because let's face it, you probably randomly clicked on this. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Older Dads"

Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.

The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.

Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.

A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?

Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.

The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.

Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.

A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.

A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Burrito And A Bag of Funyuns"

Joke of the Day: Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has announced his retirement at age 90. If I didn't say his name, you would have thought I meant Brett Favre.

Tiger Woods was tied for third at the end of the first round of the Masters yesterday. Tiger was tied? If I had a nickel...

Authorities said a man helped himself to a burrito and a bag of Funyuns snacks at a gas station food store in Hastings, Michigan, then told the clerk to call police because he had no money to pay. When you eat a burrito and Funyuns at the same time, oh, you'll be paying for it alright.

Advocates say doctors in Montana have helped at least one patient commit suicide since a court ruled it wasn't illegal. This actually brought the Montana population down to 5 people.

The FDA said Thursday it is taking a close look at an anti-bacterial chemical called Triclosan, which may disrupt the body's hormonal system. The FDA then called the investigation unimportant when they realized that nobody washes their hands anymore.

One team looking to improve this NFL offseason is the Detroit Lions. They have filled major holes on their team. If only they could get rid of that hole on their side of the scoreboard.

A study says that more people would rather be without their TV sets than the Internet. Mostly because you can now watch TV on the Internet.

During its four year run on ABC, "Ugly Betty" paved the way to help society accept Latinos and gays. We already had that show. It's called "Dancing With The Stars".

Police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Sesame Street backpack. Hey, now I know why the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies.

That's all I have! More tomorrow!