The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Showing posts with label Duh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Duh. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
"Driving With A Cold"
Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Medical Bills"
Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Friday, October 28, 2011
"Large Quantities"
A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.
A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.
The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.
The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.
Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.
A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.
The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.
The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.
Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.
A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Better Than Anyone Else"
The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"Absolutely Good"
NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Damn Right"
In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Monday, October 4, 2010
"Received Death Threats"
The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
"Computational Creativity"
Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"Six Decades Of Hostility"
Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Backing Wii Video Games"
Joke of the Day: A study says that men taking Viagra are at risk of hearing loss. This mysterious ailment is called "Becoming old".
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"11000 Miles Per Gallon"
Joke of the Day: The Social Security Administration says that Isabella is now the most popular name for girls, with Jacob still the top pick for boys. The least popular names: Jon and Kate.
Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.
Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".
French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".
A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?
A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.
“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.
A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.
A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.
Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.
Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".
French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".
A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?
A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.
“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.
A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.
A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.
Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Mayberry With A Beach"
Joke of the Day: A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old female dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Still yet to be discovered, the dancer's seven-year-old brother was employed by the Catholic Church.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
Friday, April 9, 2010
"iText and iDrive"
Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
"Female-Only Toilets"
Toyota president Akio Toyoda testified before a Congressional committee on the recent troubles with the company’s cars. He also begged Congress to let him get a legal name change.
Carter’s, the baby apparel company, named a new board member, Wednesday. The company liked the success that he had at eTrade.
Starting next month, Japans All Nippon Airways will provide female-only toilets on most international flights. The main difference is that the seat puts itself down.
A new study finds that eating a lot of fat, especially the kind that's in cookies and pastries, can significantly raise the risk of stroke for women over 50. This study also suggested that Osama was behind 9/11 and that teenage pregnancy is up.
A study says that faces can give away a person's political party affiliation. For example, you can tell someone is Republican if their face has tears on it.
A study says that cigarette smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. Their IQs are especially lower when it comes to the dangers of smoking.
R&B star Chris Brown doesn’t think anyone has the right to judge Tiger Woods. Who's going to defend him next? John Edwards?
Lindsay Lohan said that her love of women "surprised her". No, not that she loved women, but that anyone would love her back.
That's all I have for today, and I hope to have better jokes tomorrow!
Carter’s, the baby apparel company, named a new board member, Wednesday. The company liked the success that he had at eTrade.
Starting next month, Japans All Nippon Airways will provide female-only toilets on most international flights. The main difference is that the seat puts itself down.
A new study finds that eating a lot of fat, especially the kind that's in cookies and pastries, can significantly raise the risk of stroke for women over 50. This study also suggested that Osama was behind 9/11 and that teenage pregnancy is up.
A study says that faces can give away a person's political party affiliation. For example, you can tell someone is Republican if their face has tears on it.
A study says that cigarette smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. Their IQs are especially lower when it comes to the dangers of smoking.
R&B star Chris Brown doesn’t think anyone has the right to judge Tiger Woods. Who's going to defend him next? John Edwards?
Lindsay Lohan said that her love of women "surprised her". No, not that she loved women, but that anyone would love her back.
That's all I have for today, and I hope to have better jokes tomorrow!
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