"Too White"

An independent report for Congress says the U.S. military is too white and too male in the top positions. I didn't know the U.S. military could be compared to a high school chess team.

Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.

An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?

A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.

Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".

A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Foot Fetish"

President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.

Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.

President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.

An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".

A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.

A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.

The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.

A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.

That's all for right now! More tomorrow!

"False Memories"

CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency.  In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?

Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress.  Why does he need a cell phone?  I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.

Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job.  I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.

A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library.  There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.

BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high.  Try telling that to all the dead fish!

A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number.  Oh, come on, who would want to be me?

Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011.  And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...

A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife.  I'm proud of him.  Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.

Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling.  With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?

A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September.  Who knew Waffle House was hiring?

A study says that brain damage can create false memories.  You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.

That's all I have for today!  More coming tomorrow!

"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"

Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".

American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.

A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.

A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".

A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".

That's all for today! More coming soon!