USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.
The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.
There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.
Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?
A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?
Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label GM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GM. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"A Fat Redneck"
Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"The Mark McGwire Highway"
Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
Monday, February 8, 2010
"International Flirting Week"
Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
"A Movie Shot Entirely By Chimpanzees"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for January 26!
A movie shot entirely by chimpanzees will be aired by the BBC. Or, as the general public calls it, regular programming.
NBC says it expects to lose $250 million on next month’s Winter Olympics coverage. And they cut the Tonight Show, WHY?
General Motors Co. said Tuesday it has reached an agreement to sell its struggling Saab automobile to the small Dutch carmaker Spyker Cars NV. One company makes cars that nobody buys and will do anything to get to the top, and the other company is Dutch.
A new study suggests that the rate of hearing problems at ages ranging from 45 to 75 has been dropping for years. Look, you can't base a study off the saying, "If it's too loud, you're too old."
"When in Rome" opens in movie theaters on Friday. I think the theaters are taking the title way too literally. Instead of popcorn, candy, and soda, theaters will serve Ravioli, Ciabatta Bread, and Toscana wine.
Well, I know that's limited but I tried. Thanks for reading!
A movie shot entirely by chimpanzees will be aired by the BBC. Or, as the general public calls it, regular programming.
NBC says it expects to lose $250 million on next month’s Winter Olympics coverage. And they cut the Tonight Show, WHY?
General Motors Co. said Tuesday it has reached an agreement to sell its struggling Saab automobile to the small Dutch carmaker Spyker Cars NV. One company makes cars that nobody buys and will do anything to get to the top, and the other company is Dutch.
A new study suggests that the rate of hearing problems at ages ranging from 45 to 75 has been dropping for years. Look, you can't base a study off the saying, "If it's too loud, you're too old."
"When in Rome" opens in movie theaters on Friday. I think the theaters are taking the title way too literally. Instead of popcorn, candy, and soda, theaters will serve Ravioli, Ciabatta Bread, and Toscana wine.
Well, I know that's limited but I tried. Thanks for reading!
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