Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Heidi and Spencer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heidi and Spencer. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"The Friendliest City"
Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on.
Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.
Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.
A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.
President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?
President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.
Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.
A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.
President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?
President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Damn Right"
In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"A High School Prom"
Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"A Temporary Hotel"
Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
"Finding Cheaper Gas"
Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.
British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.
The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".
U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?
A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?
U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".
Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.
British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?
Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.
British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.
The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".
U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?
A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?
U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".
Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.
British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?
Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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