Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.
On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.
Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.
Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.
The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.
Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.
Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.
7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.
A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Condoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Condoms. Show all posts
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
"Encouraging Couples"
Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 7, 2011
"Left-Handed Parrots"
A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
"Trademark Suspenders"
Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
"Bush's Brain"
A study says that life experiences make people more happy than buying things. The study was conducted when researchers listened to the Beatles' "Money Can't Buy Me Love".
Karl Rove says he wasn't "Bush's brain" as many critics have said. That's like critics saying that Karl Rove is "Cheney's heart".
The FBI says that terrorists are using cyber assaults to eat away at data, cash and security. While Americans are eating away at everything else.
A college girlfriend of Tiger Woods says he was a great boyfriend. This was back when banging every chick you can find was okay.
Washington DC will become the first city in the United States to distribute female condoms free, part of a project that will make 500,000 of them available in beauty salons, convenience stores and high schools. Good job Washington. Distribute condoms in the three places where you shouldn't be having sex in the first place.
President Obama has started walking to improve his cholesterol. Unfortunately, McDonald's is within walking distance of the White House.
I know this isn't much, but that's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!
Karl Rove says he wasn't "Bush's brain" as many critics have said. That's like critics saying that Karl Rove is "Cheney's heart".
The FBI says that terrorists are using cyber assaults to eat away at data, cash and security. While Americans are eating away at everything else.
A college girlfriend of Tiger Woods says he was a great boyfriend. This was back when banging every chick you can find was okay.
Washington DC will become the first city in the United States to distribute female condoms free, part of a project that will make 500,000 of them available in beauty salons, convenience stores and high schools. Good job Washington. Distribute condoms in the three places where you shouldn't be having sex in the first place.
President Obama has started walking to improve his cholesterol. Unfortunately, McDonald's is within walking distance of the White House.
I know this isn't much, but that's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
"Ill-Fitting Condoms"
Retiring Sen. Evan Bayh says the public should apply an electoral “shock” to the American political system. I disagree. I would apply an electrical "shock" to the American political system.
Scientists think that the parents of the famous pharaoh King Tut were most likely brother and sister. He must have been born in the small Egyptian town of Alabama.
A new study found that many men complain about ill-fitting condoms. Wait, Americans use condoms?
The US Olympic men’s hockey team goalie, Ryan Miller, had the phrase “Miller Time” painted on his mask, but Olympics officials made him cover it up. Still no word on the US's right wing, Johnny Hammer.
A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year. That same study suggests that Britons have the same mentality when it comes to their teeth.
In a recent survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, 43% of the respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex. The other 57% of Canadians are not considered clinically obese.
A recent study has found that 1 in 3 Americans participate in online dating. Talk about a country living in eHarmony.
A man named Robin Hood has been arrested for Identity Theft. Police first became suspicious when they saw him with the credit cards of Alan-a-Dale, Maid Marian, and Friar Tuck.
Toyota is considering a recall of its hot-selling Corolla subcompact after complaints about power steering problems. Toyota has had problems with the accelerator, brakes, and now the steering wheel. Anyone still driving a Toyota nowadays should consider a suicide prevention program.
"Tonight Show" band director Kevin Eubanks says he may be leaving the show. This is quite shocking. Someone could choose whether they wanted to leave the Tonight Show?
These are some of my best jokes I have ever come up with - all in one day! More tomorrow!
Scientists think that the parents of the famous pharaoh King Tut were most likely brother and sister. He must have been born in the small Egyptian town of Alabama.
A new study found that many men complain about ill-fitting condoms. Wait, Americans use condoms?
The US Olympic men’s hockey team goalie, Ryan Miller, had the phrase “Miller Time” painted on his mask, but Olympics officials made him cover it up. Still no word on the US's right wing, Johnny Hammer.
A poll suggests that more than half a million Britons only wash their sheets three times a year. That same study suggests that Britons have the same mentality when it comes to their teeth.
In a recent survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, 43% of the respondents said they would rather have bacon than sex. The other 57% of Canadians are not considered clinically obese.
A recent study has found that 1 in 3 Americans participate in online dating. Talk about a country living in eHarmony.
A man named Robin Hood has been arrested for Identity Theft. Police first became suspicious when they saw him with the credit cards of Alan-a-Dale, Maid Marian, and Friar Tuck.
Toyota is considering a recall of its hot-selling Corolla subcompact after complaints about power steering problems. Toyota has had problems with the accelerator, brakes, and now the steering wheel. Anyone still driving a Toyota nowadays should consider a suicide prevention program.
"Tonight Show" band director Kevin Eubanks says he may be leaving the show. This is quite shocking. Someone could choose whether they wanted to leave the Tonight Show?
These are some of my best jokes I have ever come up with - all in one day! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 15, 2010
"He Is Undecided"
Youtube has reached its fifth anniversary. The party is already in full swing. Piano playing cats are already providing music.
This is National Condom Week. Teenagers around the country have already decided not to celebrate.
Dick Cheney says he is undecided as to whether he’d support Sarah Palin for president in the next election. Or, as Sarah calls it, "Hey, a hunting buddy!".
World number one Roger Federer thinks he has more drive than rival Rafael Nadal and will make keeping the top ranking his main goal. Tiger Woods once made a very similar quote. "I had a shorter drive than anybody and I prefer to be on the bottom."
The government has received new complaints that bring to 34 the total number of alleged deaths in Toyota vehicles due to sudden acceleration since 2000, according to government data posted Monday. In a related story, the US's official palindrome has been changed to "A Toyota's a Toyota".
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
This is National Condom Week. Teenagers around the country have already decided not to celebrate.
Dick Cheney says he is undecided as to whether he’d support Sarah Palin for president in the next election. Or, as Sarah calls it, "Hey, a hunting buddy!".
World number one Roger Federer thinks he has more drive than rival Rafael Nadal and will make keeping the top ranking his main goal. Tiger Woods once made a very similar quote. "I had a shorter drive than anybody and I prefer to be on the bottom."
The government has received new complaints that bring to 34 the total number of alleged deaths in Toyota vehicles due to sudden acceleration since 2000, according to government data posted Monday. In a related story, the US's official palindrome has been changed to "A Toyota's a Toyota".
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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