"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"

Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.

A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.

Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.

Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.

Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.

Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."

A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.

The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.

A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.

The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.

Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.

The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.

Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."

Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!

"Quite the Snatch"

A new vaccine is being developed to fight Alzheimer’s disease, and could be on the market soon after successful tests on mice. After the tests on mice brains, they plan to test the vaccine on people with equally sized brains: anti-vaxxers.

Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.

Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.

The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.

A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.

A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.

An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.

Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.

A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.

The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.

Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.

January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.

Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.

NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.

Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!

"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"The Luckiest Town"

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.

San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.

The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.

Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.

A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!

A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.

San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.

A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.

A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.

Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Legalized In New York"

Gay marriage has been legalized in New York. Finally, some good news for A-Rod and Jeter.

Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.

Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.

Saab is out of money to pay their worker's wages. Don't worry, it's just a Saab story.

Scientists say they are close to developing an artificial pancreas. An artificial pancreas? I thought hips don't lie.

Priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. They already do. It's called chatroulette.com.

Ted Turner says that climate change is the most serious problem that humanity has ever faced. Then he saw the Cincinnati Bengals practice and he said, "Okay, scratch that".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Hesitant Speech"

An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?

A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.

Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.

Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.

A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Symptoms Of Depression"

January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.

Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.

More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".

It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.

Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.

Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.

On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.

The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.

A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.

A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.

A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?

A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.

David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.

A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.

Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Shorter Life Spans"

Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.

A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.

A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.

The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".

An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.

That's all for right now! More later!

"A Black Eye"

Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.

Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.

The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.

The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".

Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?

The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.

Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".

Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.

There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".

French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.

A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.

Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.

A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.

A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Next Release"

While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.

A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.

A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.

The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...

Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.

Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...

New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.

A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.

England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.

MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.

The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?

A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.

The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.

Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Trapped In Her Bathroom"

Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".

South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.

A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.

A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.

Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.

President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.

A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.

Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.

AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Eleven Members"

An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".

Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".

A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.

So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.

The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.

A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.

Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...

The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.

Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".

Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.

A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Touchdown Jesus"

Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.

North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.

The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.

A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.

The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.

The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".

In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.

On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.

Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.

A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".

A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.

People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.

AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.

That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!

"Los Suns"

Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.

The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.

Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.

A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.

That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!

"Arrested In Bakersfield"

A study in New York City tried to find out what smells people like and dislike. I'm pretty sure one of the smells they didn't like was New York City.

America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.

A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.

The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.

A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".

A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.

Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?

A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.

In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".

The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.

A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.

NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".

Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!

"The Most Drunk City In The US"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!

Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.

Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.

A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...

Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".

A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.

Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.

Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.

NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.

Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".