"Mistakenly Tweeted"

A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."

Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.

Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.

The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".

CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.

Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...

That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.

"Allergic To Electricity"

Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".

A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.

Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.

The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?

Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.

The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!