Justin Bieber spent $75k at a Miami strip club in one night. Really? All that in one night? Wow, those guys must have been really good.
A speechwriter for President Bush said President Obama plagiarized the SOTU address. It showed when Obama talked about his knowledge of shapes.
Cincinnati was named the least happy place to work in by Forbes. This is mainly because at two of those places, people have to work with me.
An 8th grade blind kid in Vermont made a shot in a basketball game. After the game, he beat Dwight Howard in a free throw shooting contest.
A new bra opens only when a woman’s body shows signs of being in love. If that bra could hold cases of things, a woman in my presence could be trusted with the Mona Lisa.
A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his wife with a banana. As to why he used a banana, the man said, "I was out of turtle shells."
A study says that bad memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. When I read that I was shocked, then for some reason I forgot about the study.
George Zimmerman is now on Twitter. I follow his account, but I'm following it from 20 feet behind because it's wearing a hoodie and I'm suspicious.
A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children is getting a reality show on TLC. I'm just surprised he can tell them apart.
\A four year old boy in England has an IQ of 160. In fact, he's currently working with top scientists to develop a cure for cooties.
A school in Texas has banned red and green from its winter party. They should also ban white people because as far as I know, Santa is white.
That's all I have for right now. Well damn, I had my surgery, and I'm basically fully recovered. I feel fantastic (and yes, that's your cue to stop asking how my GOT DAMN JAW IS). Now, if only there was a surgery that could make my jokes funnier because damn I need help. Anyway, more to come soon!
Showing posts with label Justin Bieber. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Justin Bieber. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Friday, June 14, 2013
"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"
Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.
Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.
A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.
A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.
Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.
Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.
An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.
A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.
The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.
Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.
A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...
That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.
Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.
A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.
A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.
Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.
Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.
An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.
A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.
The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.
Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.
A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...
That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
"Five Wives"
A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.
Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
"Stealing Tide Detergent"
Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.
More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.
A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.
A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.
An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.
Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".
A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.
A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.
Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.
A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.
A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.
An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.
Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".
A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.
A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.
Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Monday, March 5, 2012
"Speech Jamming Gun"
Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
"Driving With A Cold"
Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
"1 Trillion Playbacks"
Mike Huckabee says that Mitt Romney will win the Iowa primary if the weather is nice on January 3rd. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God is preparing the world's largest thunderstorm.
Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.
Robert De Niro has become a father at age 68. You can tell it was De Niro's kid because it already made a shitty movie with Ben Stiller.
A survey says that religious Americans are just as likely to incorporate technology into their lives as others. Are we forgetting that Amish is a religion?
A Vietnam store has made a Christmas tree completely out of cellphones. Well to be fair, they were cell phones from the 80s, so it only took six phones.
Justin Bieber surprised a friend with a brand new car for Christmas. The real surprise here is that Justin Bieber has friends.
Youtube says it has had more than 1 Trillion playbacks in 2011. Thanks a lot, Rebecca.
That's all I have for right now! My next post will be coming on New Year's Eve! I hope everybody had a great Christmas!
Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.
Robert De Niro has become a father at age 68. You can tell it was De Niro's kid because it already made a shitty movie with Ben Stiller.
A survey says that religious Americans are just as likely to incorporate technology into their lives as others. Are we forgetting that Amish is a religion?
A Vietnam store has made a Christmas tree completely out of cellphones. Well to be fair, they were cell phones from the 80s, so it only took six phones.
Justin Bieber surprised a friend with a brand new car for Christmas. The real surprise here is that Justin Bieber has friends.
Youtube says it has had more than 1 Trillion playbacks in 2011. Thanks a lot, Rebecca.
That's all I have for right now! My next post will be coming on New Year's Eve! I hope everybody had a great Christmas!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
"Sex With Animals"
McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"Banana Republic"
An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.
A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.
A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".
Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.
Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.
A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".
Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.
Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, October 24, 2011
"Funnier Than Women"
Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 21, 2011
"The Luckiest Town"
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
"An Elk Hunter"
A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
Monday, September 12, 2011
"A Young Dad"
One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
"Bad Mothering"
Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.
Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.
Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".
Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.
A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?
Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.
That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.
Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".
Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.
A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?
Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.
That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, August 29, 2011
"Reportedly Pregnant"
Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Friday, August 19, 2011
"The Most Debt"
An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Spousal Support"
Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Dog Meat Soup"
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"A Round Of Golf"
Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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