"Sexual Sin"

Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.

Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.

A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.

A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!

Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".

France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?

An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.

Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.

The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Genetic Screening"

Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...

The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!

After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.

Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.

LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".

Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.

President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.

A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.

The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A High Rate"

A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.

The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!

Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.

For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.

After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.

That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!

"Six Decades Of Hostility"

Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.

Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.

North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.

A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.

The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.

A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.

A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.

A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Taking Up Pigeon Racing"

Today is Saint Patrick's Day. It's a day that Irish people celebrate that includes binge drinking and not going to work. Or, as Conan O' Brien calls it, any other day.

The world’s smallest man at 2’5” has died in Italy at age 21. His body will lie in state in a shoebox.

The FBI is using Facebook to communicate with criminal suspects. They also use Myspace, but those are specifically for the pedophiles.

A study says that for a happier romance, be yourself. This study does not apply to Rush Limbaugh.

The CEO of The Tribune Company has banned broadcasters from using cliches on Chicago-based WGN-AM. The most used cliche on that station: Cubs lose.

A study says that workers are looking for jobs they can stay at for their entire career. Hollywood has even made a movie about this study. It's called Mission: Impossible.

Mike Tyson is taking up pigeon racing for a show on Animal Planet. Consider this a waste of time. That's like Congress taking up bipartisanship.

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. And I thought ten year old girls were crying nonstop before...

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. She made a huge impact on the music industry. She made everyone else sound really good.

A Michigan man says he was fired from his Walmart job for using medical marijuana. This just goes to show: When you work at Walmart, don't steal the manager's belongings.

Detroit will close 44 public schools and a support building in June as the district addresses budget issues. The Big Three automakers have filed a copyright claim.

Ozzie Guillen has created a new style of play he calls "Ozzie Ball" which relies on pitching, defense and running. As in, pitching a quote full of swears, defending what he said, and running away from cops who try to arrest him.

The French military will no longer be issuing rifles to their infantry. I agree with this move. Giving the French rifles is like giving baseball bats to the Washington Nationals.

That's it for today, everyone! Thanks for all your support!