Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.
China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.
The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.
Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.
Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.
Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.
The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.
And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.
It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label Star Wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Star Wars. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
"The Next Release"
While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, October 4, 2010
"Received Death Threats"
The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
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