"Crotch Grabbing Dance"

The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.

The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.

Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.

A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".

A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.

A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.

A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?

Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.

A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.

The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!

"Not Always Bad"

Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.

Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.

A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.

Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.

President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.

Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".

The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.

UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?

The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Escaping On A Bulldozer"

Joke of the Day: The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?

A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.

Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?

Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".

In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!