"Disillusionment And Divorce"

Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.

Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.

A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.

President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?

The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?

Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.

Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.

A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.

A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.

Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Unwanted Scrap"

Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?

Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.

Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.

GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.

Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.

Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.

BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!

A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Los Suns"

Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.

The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.

Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.

A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.

That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!