A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.
A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.
The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.
The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.
Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.
Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.
A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Showing posts with label Lady Gaga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lady Gaga. Show all posts
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
"Reportedly Pregnant"
Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Monday, June 27, 2011
"Legalized In New York"
Gay marriage has been legalized in New York. Finally, some good news for A-Rod and Jeter.
Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.
Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.
Saab is out of money to pay their worker's wages. Don't worry, it's just a Saab story.
Scientists say they are close to developing an artificial pancreas. An artificial pancreas? I thought hips don't lie.
Priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. They already do. It's called chatroulette.com.
Ted Turner says that climate change is the most serious problem that humanity has ever faced. Then he saw the Cincinnati Bengals practice and he said, "Okay, scratch that".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.
Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.
Saab is out of money to pay their worker's wages. Don't worry, it's just a Saab story.
Scientists say they are close to developing an artificial pancreas. An artificial pancreas? I thought hips don't lie.
Priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. They already do. It's called chatroulette.com.
Ted Turner says that climate change is the most serious problem that humanity has ever faced. Then he saw the Cincinnati Bengals practice and he said, "Okay, scratch that".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 17, 2011
"Officially Resigned"
Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.
A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.
Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?
Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.
Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.
Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?
Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.
Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Staying Single"
Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"Unusual Visitors"
Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Hard As Concrete"
Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"Born This Way"
Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.
Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.
Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.
A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.
Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.
An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".
President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?
San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?
A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.
15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.
A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?
An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.
Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.
A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.
24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.
A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.
The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.
Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.
A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.
Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.
An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".
President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?
San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?
A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.
15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.
A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?
An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.
Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.
A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.
24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.
A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.
The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"Lean Forward"
Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
"A Slime Highway"
Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Awarded To Kansas City"
Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
"Easier To Spot"
Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.
Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?
British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".
Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?
Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.
A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.
NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.
June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.
Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.
The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?
British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".
Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?
Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.
A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.
NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.
June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.
Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.
The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Planning to Reinvent Itself"
Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"Demons Have Invaded Washington"
Former AIG workers may sue the company, saying they were shorted on their bonuses. Apparently these people now work for Citigroup.
Google says they are “99.9% done” in China because of censorship. So in this relationship, Google is the germ and China is the Clorox.
John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter says her pictures in GQ Magazine are “repulsive”. Of course, not as repulsive as John Edwards.
A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.
A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. And still, grandchildren did not notice a difference.
Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. This is because when she said, "You will need to be laid off", she didn't hear the last word.
Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. These "demons" that he speaks of are also called "Republicans".
The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. This is strange, because I thought that wolverines in Michigan only died during the college football season.
A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds. And when she completes her goal, Kirstie Alley will likely go back to Jenny Craig.
Lady Gaga has sparked fears for her health after she appeared "dazed and dizzy" during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday. Apparently, she feels the same way in her dressing room.
Many people are saying that Tiger Woods wants to control everything in his life. Look where that's gotten him...
That's it for today! These jokes (in my opinion) are REALLY good. Send the love and become my follower!
Google says they are “99.9% done” in China because of censorship. So in this relationship, Google is the germ and China is the Clorox.
John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter says her pictures in GQ Magazine are “repulsive”. Of course, not as repulsive as John Edwards.
A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.
A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. And still, grandchildren did not notice a difference.
Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. This is because when she said, "You will need to be laid off", she didn't hear the last word.
Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. These "demons" that he speaks of are also called "Republicans".
The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. This is strange, because I thought that wolverines in Michigan only died during the college football season.
A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds. And when she completes her goal, Kirstie Alley will likely go back to Jenny Craig.
Lady Gaga has sparked fears for her health after she appeared "dazed and dizzy" during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday. Apparently, she feels the same way in her dressing room.
Many people are saying that Tiger Woods wants to control everything in his life. Look where that's gotten him...
That's it for today! These jokes (in my opinion) are REALLY good. Send the love and become my follower!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"Beyonce Led All Winners"
Hello everyone! It's already 1/12 through the year 2010! Here are some of my jokes for the day!
At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?
And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.
Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?
MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.
It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?
Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!
At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?
And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.
Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?
MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.
It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?
Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!
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