"Hard As Concrete"

Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.

A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.

A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.

Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".

An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.

A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".

A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.

WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.

Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.

Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?

FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.

That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!