"Enthusiasm Week"

Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?

Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.

In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...

14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?

A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".

An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.

A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".

Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Most Hated Person"

9 Million people watched the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". My sympathies go out to them.

Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.

Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?

A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.

An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.

When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.

Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".

Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.

A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.

Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".

Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Genetic Screening"

Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...

The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!

After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.

Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.

LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".

Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.

President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.

A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.

The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Foot Fetish"

President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.

Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.

President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.

An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".

A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.

A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.

The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.

A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.

That's all for right now! More tomorrow!

"Four Feet Long"

Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.

Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.

The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?

The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?

A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.

The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.

McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?

A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.

A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.

The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.

Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.

Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.

7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.

A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".

That's all for right now! More later!

"The Creepy Line"

What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.

Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.

The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.

The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?

Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.

Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?

A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".

A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.

A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.

An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.

A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?

The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.

A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Riddled With Errors"

Joke of the Day: Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. Don't they mean a massive oil spill?

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. Apparently her appendix was suffering from heat exhaustion under her flashy jackets.

The Democrat Senate candidate in South Carolina is a 32-year-old man who lives with his parents and who’s been charged with showing obscene photos to a college woman. This guy was born to be a Senator.

A new survey found that 3 out of 4 Americans still believe that global warming is occurring. The other person didn't have Al Gore put a gun to their head.

Scientists say that the sun is about to become much more active, producing numerous sun spots. These scientists work for the Al Gore Institute.

New research from Britain found that an unmade bed may be unappealing to dust mites and thus may be healthier than one that is made. Apparently these researchers are not parents.

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was 0-for-13 from the field Tuesday night against the Lakers in the NBA championship series. Even BP was giving him advice on how to perform better.

British Petroleum’s 582 page plan for oil spills was riddled with errors and omissions, according to an analysis. Or, as CEO Tony Hayward calls it, "Perfect".

The oldest leather shoe ever found was discovered in Armenia. To which Larry King said, "I've been looking for that!".

A woman on a Continental Airlines flight from Israel to Newark, New Jersey says she was drugged and robbed on the flight. That sounds like something your health insurance company would do to you.

A 600 pound New Jersey woman wants to become the world’s fattest woman by making it to 1,000 pounds. I'm sure her parents will be so proud.

That's all for today! I hope I have more jokes tomorrow!

"Easier To Spot"

Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.

Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?

British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".

Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?

Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.

A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.

NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.

June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.

Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.

The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!