"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"Concealed Weapons"

Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.

On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.

Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.

Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.

The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.

Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.

Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.

7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.

A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Bush Tax Cuts"

President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.

Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?

Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.

A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.

The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.

The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.

A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.

Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Simpsonese"

Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Not A Human Being"

Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.

Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.

Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".

The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...

Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.

A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.

Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.

ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?

Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.

A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?

A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".

McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?

Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".

The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.

That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!

A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.

"A Temporary Hotel"

Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.

An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".

Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.

European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.

The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.

“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.

A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.

Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".

Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".

The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".

Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Denied Eating Baby Food"

Joke of the Day: Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. The NRA members were confused when Palin repeatedly told them that she would continue to fight for their First Amendment rights.

Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.

Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".

The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.

Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.

May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".

Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.

A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".

President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"

More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".

A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.

A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!

That's all I have for right now. More later!

"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"

Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.

It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.

Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.

Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.

Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.

Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.

A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.

TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.

This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.

Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.

A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".

An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.

I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!

"Ticketed For Speeding"

Joke of the Day: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.

In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.

Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.

Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.

Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.

The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.

A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.

Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.

28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.

A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.

Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.

A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.

Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.

Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.

These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!

"PETA Has Nixed A Plan"

The IOC may take back a bronze medal won by the Chinese Gymnastic team in 2000. Apparently one of the team members was too young. To which the 2008 Olympics stood up and said, "Just one? Amateurs."

Barry Bonds' wife has filed for divorce after twelve years of marriage. Talk about a shot in the arm that he didn't want.

Joe Biden was overheard at the Health Care Summit saying that it is easy to be Vice President because "You don't have to do anything." Strangely enough, George Bush said the exact same thing about being President.

Bill Clinton reportedly called Tiger Woods before his news conference. During the phone conversation, Clinton asked Tiger, "Hillary isn't here. Can I borrow one of your mistresses?"

Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. When asked why, Gatorade said, "Tiger thought the slogan was "Is it in somebody else?"".

I think the NCAA Basketball plumbing system is finally working. How do I know? Number 1 and Number 2 went down the crapper on Saturday.

Wide receiver Terrell Owens will not be offered a new contract by the Buffalo Bills. Wait, he got paid last year?!?!? In Buffalo?!?!?

Dominican pitcher Maximo Nelson has been arrested by Japanese police after a live bullet was found in his bag at an airport in Okinawa. In his defense, Nelson claimed that the bullet in his bag was just his fastball.

Their is a new iPhone app that stops people from snooping through your iPhone. I came up with that app the day the iPhone came out. It's called "My Pocket".

PETA has nixed a plan to use Tiger Woods' image on a billboard urging people to spay and neuter their pets. The billboard will say, "If your dog has as much sex as this person, odds are that your dog is going to be a daddy".

"Too Fat By 2020"

A study of King Tut's body has shown that he probably died due to complications stemming from malaria and a broken leg. Now I'm still not sure how Ken Griffey Jr. didn't die in Cincinnati.

The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.

NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.

A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.

A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.

Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.

A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.

A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...

A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".

That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.

"Stealing Company Secrets"

A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.

Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.

A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.

"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".

Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.

Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...

DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".

Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.

"Beyonce Led All Winners"

Hello everyone! It's already 1/12 through the year 2010! Here are some of my jokes for the day!

At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?

And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.

Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?

MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.

It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?

Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!