"A Slime Highway"

Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.

Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".

Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.

A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.

Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.

A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.

A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?

U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?

The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".

Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.

A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?

The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.

“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.

The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?

Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.

That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!

"Twilight-Themed Apps"

Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.

The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)

Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.

Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.

The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.

I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.

The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.

Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.

A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*

President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.

"Unsanitary Conditions"

Joke of the Day: FIFA admits its new soccer ball may be bad. In fact, it's so bad that the only thing worse than the soccer balls are the referees.

A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.

Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.

BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.

The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".

The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!