"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Using An Electric Eel"

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday.  To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.

A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky.  And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.

The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents.  For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)

MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery.  You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.

An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree.  This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?

The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU.  That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.

Newark, New Jersey is laying off 14% of its police force because of budget problems.  The biggest problem: nobody wants to live in Newark.


A report says that good looking couples have more daughters.  In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.


A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder.  That's peculiar for him.  He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?


72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years.  I am already getting visuals that I don't want.


Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark.  "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".


Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients.  What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?


The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie.  The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?

That's all I have for right now!  More tomorrow!

"iText and iDrive"

Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.

A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.

Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.

The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.

Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.

A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.

A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.

President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.

Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?

A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.

More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?

Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.

FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.

"An Unhealthy Clown"

Tiger Woods arrived without warning on a lazy Sunday afternoon at the Masters. If I had a nickel for every time that Woods arrived without warning...

Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.

For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.

Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.

Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?

Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.

An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.

A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?

A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.

That's all for today!