"A Referee's Error"

In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.

Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.

Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.

A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".

Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.

A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.

A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.

A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Fatty Acids"

The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.

The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.

Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.

A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.

Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".

Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.

Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.

A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Using An Electric Eel"

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday.  To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.

A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky.  And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.

The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents.  For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)

MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery.  You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.

An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree.  This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?

The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU.  That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.

Newark, New Jersey is laying off 14% of its police force because of budget problems.  The biggest problem: nobody wants to live in Newark.


A report says that good looking couples have more daughters.  In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.


A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder.  That's peculiar for him.  He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?


72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years.  I am already getting visuals that I don't want.


Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark.  "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".


Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients.  What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?


The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie.  The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?

That's all I have for right now!  More tomorrow!

"Welcome 2 America"

Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.

Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.

Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.

A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.

A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.

New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.

Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?

Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.

That's all for right now! More later!