An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alcohol. Show all posts
Friday, August 19, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Spousal Support"
Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"A Round Of Golf"
Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"Fatty Acids"
The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"The Kama Sutra"
Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"A Group Of Stars"
Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"
Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
"Computational Creativity"
Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
"Twilight-Themed Apps"
Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
Friday, May 21, 2010
"A Tumultuous 16-Month Tenure"
Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?
Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.
McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.
A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".
A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.
The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".
Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.
AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.
A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?
A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.
A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?
That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!
Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.
McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.
A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".
A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.
The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".
Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.
AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.
A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?
A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.
A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?
That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!
Friday, April 9, 2010
"iText and iDrive"
Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"A Big Lie"
The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"70 Inches Of Snow"
Singer John Mayer is apologizing for saying in the March issue of “Playboy” that Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm”. Then again, isn't sexual napalm the whole point of Playboy?
A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.
Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.
Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?
A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".
Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?
Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.
A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.
A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".
An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.
An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...
The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.
Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!
A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.
Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.
Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?
A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".
Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?
Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.
A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.
A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".
An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.
An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...
The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.
Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!
Monday, February 8, 2010
"International Flirting Week"
Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
Monday, January 25, 2010
"Classes In Personal Finance"
HELLO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS. THESE ARE MY MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR JANUARY 25
An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.
A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.
A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...
Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.
Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."
John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?
Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!
An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.
A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.
A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...
Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.
Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."
John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?
Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!
Friday, January 1, 2010
"A Cast On His Right Leg"
Joke of the Day: President Obama and his family went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3-D on New Year's Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it's like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.
Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.
In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.
A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.
One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.
South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.
New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."
Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.
In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.
A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.
One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.
South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.
New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."
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