"Wild Partying"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.

Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.

A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?

A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.

Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".

Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.

Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Concealed Weapons"

Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.

On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.

Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.

Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.

The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.

Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.

Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.

7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.

A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Trying To Lure"

The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.

Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.

In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.

The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.

The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.

A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".

The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Muslim Version"

CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.

The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.

Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.

Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.

The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.

Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.

Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.

China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.

A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.

The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".

A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.

A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?

A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?

That's all for right now! More later!

"A High Rate"

A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.

The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!

Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.

For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.

After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.

That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!

"Anderson"

Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.

Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?

Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?

LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.

A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".

30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?

NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.

A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.

The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.

A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.

The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?

A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.

The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Pixie Dust"

Michael Jordan says that if he were playing in his prime right now, he could score 100. Of course, this means that he'd have to play the Clippers.

A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.

A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".

A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.

A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.

That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

"Teaching While Drunk"

Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki was ejected from Tuesday night’s game with the LA Clippers for complaining. He was mad that he couldn't play an actual professional team.

Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The only similarities I see are that the hosts are women, it will be during the daytime, and they are clinically obese.

Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” This is something that Jersey Shore should have done a long time ago.

A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. It's Southern California; what do you expect?

A French man has been arrested for hacking into the Twitter account of President Barack Obama, French police said on Wednesday. Here's a piece of advice: people become suspicious when the President gives Twitter updates during a speech.

One in 10 Chinese adults already have the disease and another 16 percent are on the verge of developing it, according to a new study. I say China's job of becoming more like the US is complete!

Women who are overweight or obese do not appear to reap the same benefits in terms of weight-gain prevention, researchers say. Well DUH!

Osama bin Laden has warned Al-Qaeda will kill Americans if the mastermind of the 2001 attacks on the United States, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, is executed, in an audiotape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera television. So America has decided to kill Mohammed and Osama at the same time.

Arnold Palmer says that Tiger Woods should "open up". I think his legs already have.

A study by Australian psychologists says that men will risk it all for a beautiful woman. In America, we call that "Las Vegas".

A report says that a record number of Americans have been licensed to carry guns. Matter of fact, the standards of the NRA are so low, Gilbert Arenas is a premium member.

A study says that moderate drinking can help the heart. However, binge drinking can cause an unfaithful heart.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. That would have never worked with Hillary Clinton.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. This news came from the website: www.idgaf.com

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. Heene is furious. It buzzes every time he is within 100 yards of a video camera.

That's it for now! More tomorrow!

"Drugged Driving"

College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.

Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.

The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.

South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.

Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.

Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.

Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.

A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.

Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.

That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!

"The Most Drunk City In The US"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!

Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.

Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.

A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...

Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".

A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.

Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.

Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.

NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.

NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.

Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".