"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Too Drunk To Sing"

An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".

A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.

A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.

Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.

A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.

Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.

One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?

Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Wild Partying"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.

Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.

A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?

A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.

Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".

Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.

Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Kama Sutra"

Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?

A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".

New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.

A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!

A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.

Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.

A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.

Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".

A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?

A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.

A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.

Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"False Memories"

CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency.  In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?

Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress.  Why does he need a cell phone?  I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.

Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job.  I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.

A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library.  There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.

BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high.  Try telling that to all the dead fish!

A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number.  Oh, come on, who would want to be me?

Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011.  And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...

A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife.  I'm proud of him.  Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.

Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling.  With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?

A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September.  Who knew Waffle House was hiring?

A study says that brain damage can create false memories.  You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.

That's all I have for today!  More coming tomorrow!

"Damn Right"

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.

Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".

Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.

German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?

The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"

Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".

Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.

Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".

Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.

Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.

Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.

Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.

Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.

A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".

Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".

A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.

Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.

NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!