"COVID-61"

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.

New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.

Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”

A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?

Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.

The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.

A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.

A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.

The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.

An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.

The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.

One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.

"Sentenced To Death"

There will be not be any No. 1 seeds in this year’s NCAA Final Four. In fact, my bracket is more screwed up than Gary Busey's face.

A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.

The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".

Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.

President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Personal Use"

A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.

Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.

On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?

An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.

A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?

A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Mental Disorders"

“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.

Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.

Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.

A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.

A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".

A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.

The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.

Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Lean Forward"

Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".

In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".

In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.

The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.

MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".

A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.

Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.

Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.

Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.

A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.

A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.

A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.

A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.

A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Escaping On A Bulldozer"

Joke of the Day: The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?

A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.

Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?

Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".

In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"World Ocean Day"

Joke of the Day: A study says that tooth loss and gum disease is being linked to mental decline. The study is entitled "Alabama".

Eugene Van Roosbroeck, an 82 year old former Olympic cyclist, was awarded a gold medal he never received from the 1948 Games. It's almost like BP was awarding him the metal.

Rising wages in China could signal an increase in export prices. To which Walmart said, "What are rising wages?".

A study says that four in five poker players use drugs to stay sharp at the table. That's the same excuse high school druggies are using for school.

A 385 pound Oklahoma woman says she was kicked out of her gym for being too fat after she tried to ride a stationary bike. Isn't it a little redundant when a place that helps people get in shape kicks someone out for being too out of shape?

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo withdrew from his attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open Golf Tournament as it interfered with his workout schedule. To which Cowboys fans said, "What workout schedule?".

Tuesday is World Ocean Day. BP is not expected to celebrate.

An army officer is being charged with divulging top-secret Army reports and giving them to wikileaks.org. This sounds like a website that BP would be in charge of.

The MTV Movie Awards Show was filled with 100 swear words spread through the 122 minute program. It's almost exactly like watching Katt Williams do standup - too much swearing, not enough funny parts.

A Florida-based group of nudists are lobbying on Capitol Hill this week. Considering the fact that they are at Congress while angry and completely naked, they will probably blend in.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Totally Broke"

Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?

Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.

Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.

A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.

Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".

An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".

Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.

Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.

An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.

A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.

More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Reliance On Fossil Fuels"

Joke of the Day: A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% of teenagers are too busy texting to have sex.

California may ban plastic bags from grocery stores. That's because California is running out of plastic for all the plastic surgery that everyone gets.

May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. This adds to the extensive list of things that have been lower for Larry King.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is retiring from baseball after a 22 year career. Now, it's okay for him to nap during games.

Actress Kristen Stewart says that fame is like being raped. You enjoy it at first, but in the end, you end up getting screwed and pregnant with illegitimate children.

President Obama says reliance on fossil fuels must end. He's saying this because BP is pouring all of them into the Gulf of Mexico.

Biologists say the Gulf oil spill won’t wipe out shrimp in the Gulf. If the shrimp die due to ingesting oil, they'd be perfect for Joe's Crab Shack.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel. Key word: attempt.

A survey says that talk therapy works as well as taking anti-depressants. In other words, neither one works at all.

A study says that nighttime urination is linked to a higher death risk. That's because people who do this are "older".

Mark McGwire’s wife has given birth to triplets. I thought steroids made McGwire's you-know-what smaller.

While cutting away a piece of the pipe on the Gulf floor, BP’s diamond-tipped saw blade became stuck. How about we work on getting the oil stuck?

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"Finding Cheaper Gas"

Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.

British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.

The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".

U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?

A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?

U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".

Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.

Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.

British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?

Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Shootout At The OK Corral"

Joke of the Day: A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. Wouldn't it be a little easier just to count how many passengers are served food?

Today is Earth Day. People all over the world celebrate a movement to go green. Or, as Irish people call it, "We already celebrated St. Patrick's Day."

A hand-written transcript of the shootout at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona has turned up 125 years after the event took place. In fact, it was written by Larry King.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if it's covered in chocolate.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if your dog is a chihuahua.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct rules. This is strange, because I didn't know the NFL had personal conduct rules.

A survey says the main form of communication between children ages twelve to seventeen is texting. Coming in a distant last place, face-to-face conversations.

Heather Locklear was cited for hit and run after knocking over a parking sign in Los Angeles. Strangely enough, she wasn't in a car.

A study says that male monkeys hold babies to make friends. Won't that be an awkward pose for the evolution of man picture?

A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. That's because the flight attendants lost count years ago.

A poll says that Americans think that American cars are better than those made in Asia. Asia calls this poll, "Thanks for ruining it, Toyota".

Taco Bell has opened up their first restaurant in India. However, since cows are sacred in India, the can't use regular beef. In other words, the Taco Bell recipe will not change.

A study says that a single dose of aspirin can relieve the pain in about half of all migraine headaches. Apparently half of the migraine patients received pills labeled Aspirin, while the other half received pills labeled Miley Cyrus.

The government is going high tech to redesign the $100 bill. Redesign? I didn't know America had a single $100 bill to its name.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Wait, Al Pacino? Sounds like Al Capone would have been a better fit.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is defending the actions of Wall Street bankers. To which Wall Street said, "We don't want him defending us. We have somebody better. Mr. Madoff, the floor is yours."

The Hotel Normandie in Los Angeles is trying to become the country’s first marijuana friendly resort. The hotel has begun their quest by staying in Los Angeles.

That's all for today! Thanks to my faithful reader for all his support.

"A Carnival Attraction"

Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.

The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.

The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.

Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.

Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.

Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?

An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.

A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.

A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.

A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.

A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".

The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.

The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.

A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.

That's all for now. More later!

"Arrested In A Pot Bust"

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.

President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.

Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.

Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!

A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.

Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.

The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Google, Kansas"

Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".

Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.

A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.

Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.

The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.

The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.

NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".

President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.

A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?

Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".

The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.

Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!

"The Greatest Excuse Ever"

Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.

A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".

Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?

Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.

“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.

The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.

In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.

An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.

Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.

A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.

Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.

Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.

More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.

That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.