Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
"Older Dads"
Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.
A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?
Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.
The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.
Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.
A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.
A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.
Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.
A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?
Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.
The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.
Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.
A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.
A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Alligator Fat"
A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Paradise Lost"
“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 18, 2011
"Hesitant Speech"
An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"Away From Soccer"
ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Stressed Out"
The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"Wild Partying"
Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"His Final Round"
It was on this date in 1950 that the popular and long-running game show “What’s My Line” premiered on television. It was created in honor of the on-the-set acting by the cast of Baywatch.
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 17, 2011
"Trying To Lure"
The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
"A Flash Mob"
During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Hard As Concrete"
Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, November 22, 2010
"Fainted On Stage"
President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Simpsonese"
Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Four Feet Long"
Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"A Second Shot"
So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"An Alleged Miracle"
Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
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