"Ecstasy And Cocaine"

The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?

Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.

A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.

Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?

A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.

A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.

A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.

I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.

Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Season Premiere"

Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.

The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.

During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".

Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".

On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.

Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.

Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?

A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.

Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.

Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.

The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.

A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".

The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.

The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.

Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.

A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?

That's all for right now! More later!

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Simpsonese"

Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Depressed Women"

ABC canceled its new legal drama “The Whole Truth”, which attracted just 5.3 million viewers. Coincidentally, Congress has never heard of this show.

Actor Charlie Sheen was taken to a New York hospital for psychiatric evaluations after throwing furniture around a hotel room. I guess "furniture" was the name of his new girlfriend.

A new study says every year 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. This number goes down to 100,000 if you don't factor in the Octomom.

The NBA is investigating New York Knicks workouts. Who knew video games were a workout?

The world's oldest twins have turned 100. Here's how old they are: even they don't know which person is which.

Air New Zealand will offer a “cuddle class” in coach where people can lie down during flights. Who knew airlines came up with a class that actually has leg room?

Jon Stewart has been named the Most Influential Man of 2010 by askmen.com. If a reject who makes terrible jokes about current events is at the top of the list, then why am I not anywhere on the list?

Charlie Sheen was found drunk and naked along with a prostitute in a trashed New York City hotel room. Usually when that happens to Charlie Sheen, he's on the set of Two and a Half Men.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. That's the biggest worm to enter someone's mouth since, I guess, Paris Hilton.

That's all I have for now! More later!

"A Huge Fireball"

Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.

Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.

Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".

A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.

Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.

A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.

A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.

The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.

A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?

Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?

Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.

That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Suicide Note"

A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?

Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.

Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.

A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.

A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.

White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".

A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.

New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.

Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Cut In Half"

Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.

Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.

Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.

An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.

Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.

A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.

The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.

A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.

“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.

Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.

Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.

The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".

A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?

Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Working While Sick"

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.

A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.

Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.

A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?

Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.

A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.

A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?

A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.

The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.

President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.

A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.

A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.

LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.

A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"September Effect"

The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?

An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.

Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.

President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".

Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".

The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?

The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.

A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.

The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"World Ocean Day"

Joke of the Day: A study says that tooth loss and gum disease is being linked to mental decline. The study is entitled "Alabama".

Eugene Van Roosbroeck, an 82 year old former Olympic cyclist, was awarded a gold medal he never received from the 1948 Games. It's almost like BP was awarding him the metal.

Rising wages in China could signal an increase in export prices. To which Walmart said, "What are rising wages?".

A study says that four in five poker players use drugs to stay sharp at the table. That's the same excuse high school druggies are using for school.

A 385 pound Oklahoma woman says she was kicked out of her gym for being too fat after she tried to ride a stationary bike. Isn't it a little redundant when a place that helps people get in shape kicks someone out for being too out of shape?

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo withdrew from his attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open Golf Tournament as it interfered with his workout schedule. To which Cowboys fans said, "What workout schedule?".

Tuesday is World Ocean Day. BP is not expected to celebrate.

An army officer is being charged with divulging top-secret Army reports and giving them to wikileaks.org. This sounds like a website that BP would be in charge of.

The MTV Movie Awards Show was filled with 100 swear words spread through the 122 minute program. It's almost exactly like watching Katt Williams do standup - too much swearing, not enough funny parts.

A Florida-based group of nudists are lobbying on Capitol Hill this week. Considering the fact that they are at Congress while angry and completely naked, they will probably blend in.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Eat Pray Love"

Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.

Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".

The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.

The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.

Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.

A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.

A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.

Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.

The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.

President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.

An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.

A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?

A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".

A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!

"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.

Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.

Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.

In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.

Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.

MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.

IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".

A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.

If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.

On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.

President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.

The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.

A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.

According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.

PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.

Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.

Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.

That's it for right now! More tomorrow.

"Planning to Reinvent Itself"

Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.

A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".

A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.

A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.

The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.

An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.

AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.

A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".

Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.

The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?

A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.

A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.

A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.

Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.

Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.

Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.

"70 Inches Of Snow"

Singer John Mayer is apologizing for saying in the March issue of “Playboy” that Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm”. Then again, isn't sexual napalm the whole point of Playboy?

A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.

Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".

A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.

Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?

A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...

The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.

Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!