"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!

"Fecal Matter"

Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.

The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.

A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.

The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.

President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.

An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.

A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".

That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!

"The First Pardons"

President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency.  Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.


In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors.  In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.


Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show.  She didn't have to go on there?  Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".

A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu.  He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".


Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars.  Kind of like the Miami Heat.


Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life.  In America, we call those "tabloids".


A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring.  This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows.  Instead of them paying me, I pay them.


NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management.  Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.


An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library.  She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.


Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards.  Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?


The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older.  It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.


Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power.  What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?


That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Her Luggage Was Lost"

AT&T is now charging people who terminate their iPhone contracts nearly $325. Or, for $325 dollars less, you could throw your iPhone in a lake.

Yao Ming has become a father for the first time. His child will look up to him. Literally.

A study says that depression can affect children as young as three. Uh yeah, it's called "crying".

A survey ranks South Korea’s Asiana as the best airline in the world. Apparently North Korea was not allowed to take this survey.

A study says that entrepreneurship may be in a person’s genes. To which Levi Strauss' son said, "Yeah. Literally".

Sarah Palin had to borrow an outfit for a political rally after her luggage was lost. Well seriously, because somebody had a $150,000 outfit just laying around.

Movie tickets in some cities for the new “Shrek” movie have gone up to $20. Or, for about five dollars less, you could buy the DVD.

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if LA continues its boycott of the illegal immigration law. And they are threatening all the Mexicans who live in LA back to Mexico.

Half of all American parents polled say they would like to be able to communicate with their child's physician via the Internet, a new survey reveals. The other half would like their doctor to get off the computer and actually do their job.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!