The Los Angeles Lakers signed LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Javale McGee. Those signings are very strange, because it's the first time that this many people have moved to L.A. to pursue their dreams without needing to apply for restaurant jobs.
ABC canceled Roseanne Barr's sitcom amid her controversial tweets. Upon hearing the news, InfoWars picked up Roseanne Barr's sitcom for 22 episodes.
The Cleveland Browns will be featured on this season of HBO's Hard Knocks. It'll provide an in depth look at Cleveland Browns practices, which will be a pleasant surprise since most football fans didn't even know that the Browns held practices.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding will reportedly cost $45 million. $44 million of the money will be spent on strippers for Prince Harry's bachelor party.
College football star Shaquem Griffin was selected in the fifth round of the NFL draft. I'm sure there's a reason why he wasn't selected in the first four rounds, but I can't quite put his hand on it.
The Cleveland Browns selected QB Baker Mayfield with first overall pick in 2018 NFL Draft. To prepare for Mayfield's tenure, Browns fans have begun to warm up their throwing arms for when they throw trash onto the field.
The Jacksonville Jaguars will feature a dog park in their stadium. Upon hearing this, Blake Bortles took his dog there to play fetch and immediately threw the ball into the mouth of a dog in a Patriots jersey.
Avicii and Verne Troyer died within a day of each other. Celebrity deaths usually happen in threes, which means that within the next couple days, we are expected to see the deaths of another one and a half celebrities.
A man in Connecticut robbed a bank in order to impress Taylor Swift. The bank tellers were upset that they couldn't stop him, especially since they knew he was trouble when he walked in.
Philadelphia Phillies manager Gabe Kapler has been heavily criticized for his poor managerial decisions. These incidents include pulling P Aaron Nola during a strong start, not starting star CF Odubel Herrera on Opening Day, and giving Roy Halladay a pilot's license.
Noted MMA fighter Conor McGregor was arrested for assault. Upon hearing of Conor McGregor's arrest, Floyd Mayweather says he can commit assault ten times better and can do so while wearing a nicer suit.
Rick Santorum suggested that the people protesting for gun reform should instead take CPR courses. Afterwards, he registered his staff members for CPR courses so they could try and revive his career.
Domino's recently released a pizza engagement ring. This sounds like a terrible thing to give to your fiancé unless you want your engagement to last thirty minutes or less.
The Cleveland Browns have acquired WR Jarvis Landry from the Miami Dolphins. They figured his experience as a Dolphin would help him thrive in an organization that's constantly underwater.
Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. For Martin, this news definitely has to be one tough $750 pill to swallow.
That's all I have for right now! Well, I wanted a bounce back year after 2017 was relatively rough, and 2018 has been the bounce back year that I hoped I would have! I'm doing a lot of standup, I'm about to get back to my DJ job that I haven't been doing for the summer, and I have a great support system of friends that have really been helping me out. It's been a good year so far, my 25th year on this planet is about to be over, and I'm about to enter the wonderful age of 26 (aka my late 20s. Gross!). Also, I haven't been writing as many topical jokes as of late because I've been focusing more on my personal standup act and how I can build a 20-25 minute set. It's tough, but what can I say, it has been a hell of a process. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!
Showing posts with label Domino's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domino's. Show all posts
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Thursday, December 31, 2015
"One Hard Cheeseburger To Swallow"
Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli was arrested by the FBI. His bail has been set at $200 thousan... I mean... *whips out calculator* $11 million dollars.
Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.
A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.
Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.
Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.
The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.
Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!
Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.
A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.
A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.
Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.
That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!
Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.
A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.
Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.
Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.
The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.
Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!
Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.
A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.
A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.
Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.
That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Damn Right"
In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
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