Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.
Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.
A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.
Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".
Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.
Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.
Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Super Bowl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Super Bowl. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"Unusual Visitors"
Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 31, 2011
'Safe For Women"
Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Stealing Company Secrets"
A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.
Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.
A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.
"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".
Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.
Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...
DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".
Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.
Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.
A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.
"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".
Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.
Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...
DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".
Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"Meaner Than She Thought"
Research shows that colors described by people as to how they feel can indicate if they are happy or depressed. We know that, it's called the "Mood Ring".
A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. It surpassed the series finale of M*A*S*H, which ironically, was what the New Orleans defense did to Peyton Manning.
A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. The sad part: There was a bigger interest in the commercials than the actual game.
Even women watched the Super Bowl. They became especially interested once they saw Oprah.
Nancy Kerrigan's family is disputing the autopsy report on their father's death after a fight. Nancy claimed that she was aiming for Tonya Harding.
A majority of the top-grossing films in recent years have featured food and beverage product placements -- with junk food and fast-food restaurants grabbing most of the starring roles, a new study finds. In a related story, President Obama plans to dispute this study with an executive order called "Operation Twilight".
Ellen DeGeneres, the newest judge on "American Idol," says Simon Cowell is "meaner" than she thought. And she wasn't even at the auditions.
Speedy outfielder Willy Taveras has been released by the Oakland Athletics. Can you find ANY statement to be more ironic?
San Antonio Spurs guard George Hill is apologizing for nude pictures of himself that were recently posted online. At least it wasn't Grant Hill.
A North Carolina court has temporarily stopped the security rules that a judge issued for the retrieval of the John Edwards sex tape. That's because when it comes to John Edwards, there are no rules.
That's it for now! Congrats to Drew Brees and the Saints on their Super Bowl victory!
A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. It surpassed the series finale of M*A*S*H, which ironically, was what the New Orleans defense did to Peyton Manning.
A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. The sad part: There was a bigger interest in the commercials than the actual game.
Even women watched the Super Bowl. They became especially interested once they saw Oprah.
Nancy Kerrigan's family is disputing the autopsy report on their father's death after a fight. Nancy claimed that she was aiming for Tonya Harding.
A majority of the top-grossing films in recent years have featured food and beverage product placements -- with junk food and fast-food restaurants grabbing most of the starring roles, a new study finds. In a related story, President Obama plans to dispute this study with an executive order called "Operation Twilight".
Ellen DeGeneres, the newest judge on "American Idol," says Simon Cowell is "meaner" than she thought. And she wasn't even at the auditions.
Speedy outfielder Willy Taveras has been released by the Oakland Athletics. Can you find ANY statement to be more ironic?
San Antonio Spurs guard George Hill is apologizing for nude pictures of himself that were recently posted online. At least it wasn't Grant Hill.
A North Carolina court has temporarily stopped the security rules that a judge issued for the retrieval of the John Edwards sex tape. That's because when it comes to John Edwards, there are no rules.
That's it for now! Congrats to Drew Brees and the Saints on their Super Bowl victory!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
"Rubbing Their Eyes"
Hello everyone! These are my posts for Super Bowl Sunday of 2010!
Super Bowl viewers were rubbing their eyes over a TV spot pairing CBS late-night host David Letterman with longtime NBC rival Jay Leno, plus Oprah Winfrey. This was the 1st official gathering of the "older people who are somehow rich and famous".
Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge have broken up. I guess Jamie Lynn took Casey to school and Casey failed his favorite class: Zoey 101.
Police say a 13-year-old girl led state troopers on a nine-mile chase in central Pennsylvania at speeds of more than 100 mph. No, she wasn't running from the police. She was just in a Toyota and she couldn't stop it.
Police arrested a man they say tried to take their candy bars. What happened to the stereotype of police officers who just eat donuts?
Police in southern Germany said an officer has been suspended from duty after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during a service. However, still no word on the status of the priests.
Well, that's it! I know it's limited, but bye!
Super Bowl viewers were rubbing their eyes over a TV spot pairing CBS late-night host David Letterman with longtime NBC rival Jay Leno, plus Oprah Winfrey. This was the 1st official gathering of the "older people who are somehow rich and famous".
Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge have broken up. I guess Jamie Lynn took Casey to school and Casey failed his favorite class: Zoey 101.
Police say a 13-year-old girl led state troopers on a nine-mile chase in central Pennsylvania at speeds of more than 100 mph. No, she wasn't running from the police. She was just in a Toyota and she couldn't stop it.
Police arrested a man they say tried to take their candy bars. What happened to the stereotype of police officers who just eat donuts?
Police in southern Germany said an officer has been suspended from duty after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during a service. However, still no word on the status of the priests.
Well, that's it! I know it's limited, but bye!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"An Outdoor Worship Area"
Hello everybody! These are my jokes for today!
The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".
An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.
An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.
The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.
Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".
A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.
A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website: www.simoncowellevaluatesyou.com
CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.
Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!
The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".
An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.
An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.
The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.
Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".
A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.
A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website: www.simoncowellevaluatesyou.com
CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.
Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!
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