Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label NASCAR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NASCAR. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Resigned As CEO"
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"Kicked The Habit"
Joke of the Day: A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. That's like having a porno series on the Disney Channel.
The maker of Botox settled a federal investigation into its marketing practices. They did this by keeping a smile on their face the entire time; mainly because they couldn't help it.
An 18-year-old South Dakota student who stockpiled bombs in his bedroom wanted to be “the world’s most infamous sociopath.” Yes, every teenage boy's dream is to be a sociopath.
Tiger Woods has reportedly taken out a $54 Million mortgage on his house to pay off his ex-wife Elin. For once, Tiger Woods paid off a woman for a reason other than hush money.
A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. Why? Was Larry The Cable Guy not available?
President Obama says that peace in the Middle East is doable in a year. Then Paris Hilton interrupted President Obama and said, "Like hell it is".
A study says that CEOs who laid off more people made more money since the economy crashed. The study was coordinated at the Lehman Brothers headquarters.
A study says that young women make more money than their male co-workers. They do the same amount of work. I wonder how they earn that...
A study says that coffee may combat high blood pressure. In the end, both of these things lead to the same thing: going absolutely crazy.
Stephen Hawking said that God did not create the universe. Excuse me, my bad. Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer said that God did not create the universe.
A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after receiving intensive specialist care. Intensive care? How about a key and lock?
Older people prefer to read negative news stories about the young, possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves, a new study suggests. Based on what has happened recently, the older people should feel like children again.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The maker of Botox settled a federal investigation into its marketing practices. They did this by keeping a smile on their face the entire time; mainly because they couldn't help it.
An 18-year-old South Dakota student who stockpiled bombs in his bedroom wanted to be “the world’s most infamous sociopath.” Yes, every teenage boy's dream is to be a sociopath.
Tiger Woods has reportedly taken out a $54 Million mortgage on his house to pay off his ex-wife Elin. For once, Tiger Woods paid off a woman for a reason other than hush money.
A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. Why? Was Larry The Cable Guy not available?
President Obama says that peace in the Middle East is doable in a year. Then Paris Hilton interrupted President Obama and said, "Like hell it is".
A study says that CEOs who laid off more people made more money since the economy crashed. The study was coordinated at the Lehman Brothers headquarters.
A study says that young women make more money than their male co-workers. They do the same amount of work. I wonder how they earn that...
A study says that coffee may combat high blood pressure. In the end, both of these things lead to the same thing: going absolutely crazy.
Stephen Hawking said that God did not create the universe. Excuse me, my bad. Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer said that God did not create the universe.
A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after receiving intensive specialist care. Intensive care? How about a key and lock?
Older people prefer to read negative news stories about the young, possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves, a new study suggests. Based on what has happened recently, the older people should feel like children again.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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