Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.
Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.
In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".
A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.
Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.
Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.
Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.
In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.
New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.
Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.
There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.
A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.
The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.
Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.
ALSO
What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.
Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.
Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!
Showing posts with label Gays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gays. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
"Partial Arts"
Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.
New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.
Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.
Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.
A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.
The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.
Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.
The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.
Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.
The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".
Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.
One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.
That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.
New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.
Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.
Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.
A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.
The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.
Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.
The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.
Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.
The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".
Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.
One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.
That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
"An Elk Hunter"
A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
Monday, July 25, 2011
"Ecstasy And Cocaine"
The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
"His Rapture Prediction"
In the California prison system, there are reports of 54 people sharing a single toilet. At the same time.
Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.
60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.
A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.
A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.
Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.
60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.
A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.
A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.
Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 16, 2011
"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"
Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.
Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.
NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).
Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.
The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.
Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.
A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?
Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.
NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).
Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.
The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.
Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.
A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?
Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 8, 2011
"National Beer Day"
Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?
A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?
A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.
Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?
Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.
Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?
A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.
Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?
Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.
Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 1, 2011
"Ugly Kardashian"
Khloe Kardashian says it’s tough to keep her self esteem when people refer to her as the “ugly Kardashian”. Isn't the "ugly Kardashian" kind of like being named the "shortest of the seven dwarfs"?
There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.
A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are needed. To be fair, scientists say they have already studied homo-sapiens.
The Kansas City Wizards of the MLS will name their stadium "Livestrong Stadium" after the company founded by Lance Armstrong. What do soccer and Lance Armstrong have in common? They are both known for only using one ball at a time.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to speak at Rutgers University. It marks the first time that "Snooki" and "university" are in the same sentence.
April 1st is Jon Gosselin's birthday. Coincidence? Probably not.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.
A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are needed. To be fair, scientists say they have already studied homo-sapiens.
The Kansas City Wizards of the MLS will name their stadium "Livestrong Stadium" after the company founded by Lance Armstrong. What do soccer and Lance Armstrong have in common? They are both known for only using one ball at a time.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to speak at Rutgers University. It marks the first time that "Snooki" and "university" are in the same sentence.
April 1st is Jon Gosselin's birthday. Coincidence? Probably not.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Stressed Out"
The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 7, 2011
"Gay Mardi Gras"
This is National Procrastination Week. The celebration is five minutes from now, no matter when you read this.
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
"Anderson"
Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Four Feet Long"
Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Broke His Leg"
HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Monday, September 20, 2010
"Contagious Yawning"
Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell says she dabbled in witchcraft more than a decade ago in high school. Larry King even remembers the days when witchcraft was punishable by death.
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
"Ticketed For Speeding"
Joke of the Day: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.
In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.
Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.
Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.
Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.
The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.
A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.
Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.
28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.
A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.
Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.
A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.
Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.
Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.
These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!
In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.
Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.
Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.
Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.
The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.
A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.
Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.
28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.
A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.
Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.
A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.
Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.
Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.
These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!
Monday, April 12, 2010
"A Slap In The Face"
Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
"An Unhealthy Clown"
Tiger Woods arrived without warning on a lazy Sunday afternoon at the Masters. If I had a nickel for every time that Woods arrived without warning...
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.
For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.
Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.
The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.
Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?
Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.
An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.
A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?
A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.
That's all for today!
Monday, March 29, 2010
"Arrested In Bakersfield"
A study in New York City tried to find out what smells people like and dislike. I'm pretty sure one of the smells they didn't like was New York City.
America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.
A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.
The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?
Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.
Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.
A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".
A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.
Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?
A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.
In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".
The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.
A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.
NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".
Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!
America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.
A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.
The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?
Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.
Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.
A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".
A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.
Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?
A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.
In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".
The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.
A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.
NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".
Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"The iPhone Is Addicting"
Last week was National Procrastination Week. Isn't it ironic that I'm telling you this now?
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"An Outdoor Worship Area"
Hello everybody! These are my jokes for today!
The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".
An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.
An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.
The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.
Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".
A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.
A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website: www.simoncowellevaluatesyou.com
CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.
Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!
The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".
An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.
An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.
The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.
Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".
A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.
A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website: www.simoncowellevaluatesyou.com
CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.
Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!
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