"Gltiuy Of The Btoson Bmobnig"

A study says people that have more sex are less happy. This study included statistics, expert opinions, and pictures of my recent trip to Disney World.

American Idol has been canceled by Fox after 15 seasons. However, it was canceled by most American households after 9 seasons.

American Idol has been canceled. Speaking of has-beens, I hear Justin Guarini and Sanjaya Malakar picked up extra shifts at Applebees today.

Jacksonville Jaguars DE and 3rd overall pick Dante Fowler Jr. tore his ACL at his first NFL practice. Even with his torn ACL, he's still the 4th best player on their team.

A woman in a wheelchair on the Price is Right won a treadmill. Not to be outdone, I just won dinner for two at a romantic restaurant.

Kristen Stewart said that Hollywood is "disgustingly sexist". That's absurd. A woman talking?

Two University of Akron graduates invented a device that detects drivers under the influence of marijuana. It's called a Taco Bell drive thru window.

CNN has hired 40 political reporters to boost ratings. Apparently the key to making yourself not boring is hiring 40 boring people.

A Florida man claiming to be Thor was caught having sex with a tree. To be fair, anyone that has sex with a tree would end up very very Thor.

A verdict has been reached in the trial for Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He was found gltiuy of the Btoson Bmobnig, and he is expected to be sentenced to lfie in psiron. (update - he was recently sentenced to daeth)

Vanilla Ice was charged with burglary and sentenced to 100 hours pf community service. This will be the closest he's come to having a job in 15 years.

Indiana recently signed into law a new religious freedom bill that allegedly gives businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Yep, it gives Indiana businesses the right to openly practice their Christianity by judging others.

On Tinder, Jason Derulo recently promoted his new single. Ironically, it's the same app where I promote myself being terribly single.

March 14th is known as "Pi Day", which celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. If you celebrate Pi Day, I'll refer to you as a "Circle's circumference" because people who celebrate a day about Pi are squares.

ESPN recently aired several Alex Rodriguez at bats on Sportscenter in his chase for Willie Mays' home run total. I assume they did this to make sure he didn't eat the pitcher.

That's all for now, friends! And boy has my life changed dramatically since my last post in early March. It's changed for the better, and in some ways, for the worse, so strap in, folks.

First, in mid March, I recently achieved a credit that not a lot of comics can say they have achieved. Somehow, I was the tweet of the day on Comedy Central's @midnight. This feat is next to impossible to achieve. Tens of thousands of tweets are sent on their topic every night. This night, the topic was #MakeACelebrityIrish, and my tweet "Carrot Top o' the mornin to ya" (which I almost deleted) was the selected tweet out of tens of thousands of tweets that night. I had been trying for over a year, and I had sent at least a couple hundred tweets to that show for their games. I treated them like joke writing exercises, and they kept my mind and my Twitter account active. Have I had funnier @midnight tweets? Yes (see my #TVShowSequels entry "I Didn't Know I Left My Child That I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant With In A Hot Car"), but this is the only one that achieved tweet of the day status. When it happened, I lost my shit. It was completely unexpected. It's a small credit, but it was still great for me.

The very next day, I got a message from the guy who books MCs at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, and he asked me if I wanted to host the April 9th-12th weekend at Go Bananas, to which I immediately agreed. The comic I got to open six shows for was the incredible Nate Bargatze. This guy is beloved in the standup community and has an unreal amount of credits (Conan, @midnight, an hour special on Comedy Central, a favorite of Jimmy Fallon, to name a few). This weekend, besides the Sunday show where a lady got offended by one of my inoffensive and highly personal jokes, went incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I learned a ton and got to hang out with some awesome people.

Yeah, I had an incredible streak of two and a half weeks where literally everything went right, and while this streak was going on, I knew at some point that it'd be over and I'd come back down to earth. And boy did I. First, in early April, I made the mistake at my job at Toby Keith's of acting like a babydaddy from the Maury show in front of the all black kitchen staff. They were understandably offended, and in the blink of an eye, I went from potential big money during Reds season to being fired. I was distraught for awhile, but at a job where I was looked down upon and made fun of almost every shift, it was a semi relief. I was also hoping to get a girlfriend by the end of the school year after losing a shit ton of weight and gaining confidence. In a stretch of three weeks, I was turned down by two girls. I was depressed for a bit, but now I'm back on my feet and doing well. I have a new job at Dewey's Pizza, and I have new methods to try and get a girlfriend (one of which, ironically, is to stop trying super hard).

My life has taken some crazy turns recently, but I'm still the same goofy fuck I was since the last post. Here's to another crazy few months! Anyway, more later!

"Toast Of The Country"

A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.

FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.

A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.

Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".

(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!

"Off The Air"

Former Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is going to run for the New Jersey state senate. I think he's going to win, because we all know how good Carl Lewis is at running.

There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.

The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.

Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?

The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"List Of Performances"

Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.

The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?

An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.

Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.

U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.

“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.

Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.

A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.

84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Kama Sutra"

Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?

A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".

New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.

A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!

A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.

Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.

A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.

Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".

A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?

A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.

A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.

Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A State Of Confusion"

CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.

A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.

A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.

A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.

The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?

A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.

That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

"Not An Issue"

Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.

“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.

The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.

The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.

On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?

Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.

The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.

Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".

Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.

67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.

A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?

Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.

A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"She Is Bored"

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will join Randy Jackson as “American Idol” judges next season. This once again proves that you don't need talent to judge other people's singing.

A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?

The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.

The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.

Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.

Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.

Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.

The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.

A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.

A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"

Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.

Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"

A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.

A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.

The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.

The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.

Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.

A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.

Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.

FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.

Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!

"No Longer The Strongest Ever"

In his State of the Union speech, Pres. Obama will share plans to energize the country and the economy. Yes, the plans that he will probably not enforce.

China has failed to restore relations with Tibet. I knew it was a smart idea Tibet that China was going to be unsuccessful.

The World Meteorological Assn. says that the 231-mph wind gust recorded in New Hampshire in 1934 is no longer the strongest ever. A 231-mph wind isn’t the strongest wind ever? That just blows me away…

A California school district that pulled a dictionary from classrooms because it defined oral sex will allow it back on the shelves. Little did they know that the dictionary had a picture as well...

The guest judges on American Idol Tuesday night were Avril Lavinge and Katy Perry. This adds to the American Idol Judge portfolio entitled “No Musical Talent Whatsoever”.

A man in Australia has been jailed because he hid 44 lizards in his underpants. By force of habit, Osama Bin Laden admitted that he was behind this.

A study says that using painkillers raises the risk of sustaining bone fractures. Ah, redundancy at its finest.