Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".
Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.
A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!
LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.
Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."
Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.
An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Not Running For President"
A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
"A Flash Mob"
During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Eleven Members"
An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"A Second Shot"
So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
"Trademark Suspenders"
Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"Brake Wiring Problems"
Joke of the Day: Chrysler is recalling 600,000 minivans for brake wiring problems. Gosh, these pedal problems are less likely to stop than the cars themselves.
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.
Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.
A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.
Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.
A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.
Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.
President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.
The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.
A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.
An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".
That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!
By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.
Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.
A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.
Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.
A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.
Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.
President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.
The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.
A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.
An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".
That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!
By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Backing Wii Video Games"
Joke of the Day: A study says that men taking Viagra are at risk of hearing loss. This mysterious ailment is called "Becoming old".
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
Monday, May 10, 2010
"Ejected After One Pitch"
Joke of the Day: Senator Christopher Dodd says that Wall Street is detached from the “real economy”. Considering this economy, isn't that kind of a good thing?
A British family was rescued after their yacht hit an iceberg. Strangely enough, the name of their boat was "Titanic".
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke gave the commencement address at the University of South Carolina and told the students that money can’t buy happiness. How would he know? It's not like he still has money.
A group of mothers in Denver is pushing for the legalization of marijuana. That's like the KKK pushing for Civil Rights.
Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work. Look, if a four-story dome can't stop a leak, I'm not sure useless scrap material will be much better.
The young adult vampire-romance series “Twilight” inspired the most popular baby names for both boys and girls in 2009. The most popular boy name was Jacob, while the most popular girl name was Edward.
Will Ferrell recently pitched in a minor league baseball game, and he was ejected after one pitch. Sounds like a remake of "Semipro".
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
A British family was rescued after their yacht hit an iceberg. Strangely enough, the name of their boat was "Titanic".
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke gave the commencement address at the University of South Carolina and told the students that money can’t buy happiness. How would he know? It's not like he still has money.
A group of mothers in Denver is pushing for the legalization of marijuana. That's like the KKK pushing for Civil Rights.
Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work. Look, if a four-story dome can't stop a leak, I'm not sure useless scrap material will be much better.
The young adult vampire-romance series “Twilight” inspired the most popular baby names for both boys and girls in 2009. The most popular boy name was Jacob, while the most popular girl name was Edward.
Will Ferrell recently pitched in a minor league baseball game, and he was ejected after one pitch. Sounds like a remake of "Semipro".
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 12, 2010
"An Odd Twist"
The government reports that highway deaths in 2009 were at the lowest level since 1954. That's because Toyotas killed people before they could get to the highway.
82% of Americans say they want tougher regulations for Wall Street. The other 18% of Americans work on Wall Street.
A study says that women are guilty of feeling too much guilt, while men tend to be more emotionally detached. The study is being entitled: "The Effects of Marriage".
A new method of brain scan can reporptedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Doctors were surprised when the people's thoughts were, "When is this stupid scan going to be over?"
China has become the world's biggest Internet market. Well nowadays, what market aren't they big in?
Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. Costa Rica has now breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Doris Haddock, a woman who walked across America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. At least she died knowing that she got the job done...
Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. This is an odd twist. Usually when Tiger does that stuff it's not with his wife.
A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. The man has been sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles on his dice.
Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. This sounds like a game of Truth or Dare gone horribly wrong.
Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.
A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. The union consists entirely of young female nurses.
Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. The study also said that the children of the mother who took the pill never lived period.
Obesity plus daily drinking boosts the risk of liver disease in men and women, researchers report in two new studies. In other words, if you are a Buffalo Wild Wings regular, you're screwed.
Authorities in Riverside County, California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6. She is now the richest person in California.
Running back Larry Johnson has signed a three-year deal with the Washington Redskins. This is a terrible idea. If he can make fun of gays, I wouldn't be surprised if Native Americans took a little heat as well.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
82% of Americans say they want tougher regulations for Wall Street. The other 18% of Americans work on Wall Street.
A study says that women are guilty of feeling too much guilt, while men tend to be more emotionally detached. The study is being entitled: "The Effects of Marriage".
A new method of brain scan can reporptedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Doctors were surprised when the people's thoughts were, "When is this stupid scan going to be over?"
China has become the world's biggest Internet market. Well nowadays, what market aren't they big in?
Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. Costa Rica has now breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Doris Haddock, a woman who walked across America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. At least she died knowing that she got the job done...
Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. This is an odd twist. Usually when Tiger does that stuff it's not with his wife.
A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. The man has been sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles on his dice.
Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. This sounds like a game of Truth or Dare gone horribly wrong.
Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.
A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. The union consists entirely of young female nurses.
Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. The study also said that the children of the mother who took the pill never lived period.
Obesity plus daily drinking boosts the risk of liver disease in men and women, researchers report in two new studies. In other words, if you are a Buffalo Wild Wings regular, you're screwed.
Authorities in Riverside County, California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6. She is now the richest person in California.
Running back Larry Johnson has signed a three-year deal with the Washington Redskins. This is a terrible idea. If he can make fun of gays, I wouldn't be surprised if Native Americans took a little heat as well.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
"Sexual Encounters With Other Men"
Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today!
J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. If a recluse dies, how do people find out?
J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. He asks that nobody show up to his funeral.
The son of a well-known Alcoa pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument. Talk about a "son of a gun".
In a far-fetched Internet rumor, 15-year-old singer Justin Bieber was shot dead in a New York nightclub. To make the rumor more believable, the killer was reported to have a strong hatred for really bad music.
Taylor Lautner was rumored to be dead because of strippers and cocaine. He was saved by the millions of teenage girls who really wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth.
U.S. wages in 2009 at the smallest rise on record at only 1.5%. Well, the wages of the worker on Main Street dropped dramatically, but undeserving SOB's at the insurance companies evened the bar.
Officials say a bird has been darting into traffic outside Glendale Community College since it was first reported Nov. 20. Nobody knows why, but the chicken said he still doesn't know the answer to "Why did the chicken cross the road".
Eleven inmates at an Arizona prison were injured after a fight broke out at a complex west of Phoenix Saturday afternoon. Here's the scary part: the fight only involved three people.
Tiger Woods was reported to have sexual encounters with other men. I guess it wasn't just his green jackets that were in the closet...
J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. If a recluse dies, how do people find out?
J.D. Salinger, author of "Catcher in the Rye" and also known to be a recluse, died at the age of 92. He asks that nobody show up to his funeral.
The son of a well-known Alcoa pastor has taken out an order of protection against his father, claiming he was threatened with a gun during an argument. Talk about a "son of a gun".
In a far-fetched Internet rumor, 15-year-old singer Justin Bieber was shot dead in a New York nightclub. To make the rumor more believable, the killer was reported to have a strong hatred for really bad music.
Taylor Lautner was rumored to be dead because of strippers and cocaine. He was saved by the millions of teenage girls who really wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth.
U.S. wages in 2009 at the smallest rise on record at only 1.5%. Well, the wages of the worker on Main Street dropped dramatically, but undeserving SOB's at the insurance companies evened the bar.
Officials say a bird has been darting into traffic outside Glendale Community College since it was first reported Nov. 20. Nobody knows why, but the chicken said he still doesn't know the answer to "Why did the chicken cross the road".
Eleven inmates at an Arizona prison were injured after a fight broke out at a complex west of Phoenix Saturday afternoon. Here's the scary part: the fight only involved three people.
Tiger Woods was reported to have sexual encounters with other men. I guess it wasn't just his green jackets that were in the closet...
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