Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Showing posts with label Asians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Asians. Show all posts
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Saturday, December 10, 2011
"Sex With Animals"
McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.
Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.
An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.
A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.
“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.
Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.
Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Dog Meat Soup"
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 21, 2011
"Firstborn Children"
A new study says that women that live in a smoke-free environment are less likely to develop breast cancer. The same study concluded that a smoke-free environment is healthier regardless.
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 4, 2011
"National Grammar Day"
Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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