"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Single Curse Word"

Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".

The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.

Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.

Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.

Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?

Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.

The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.

Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".

Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.

Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Easier To Spot"

Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.

Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?

British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".

Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?

Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.

A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.

NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.

June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.

Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.

The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Fat-Melting Injections"

Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".

The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.

A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.

A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.

Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.

NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.

An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.

The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.

Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.

A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...

This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!