"The Mark McGwire Highway"

Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.

The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.

The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.

A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.

The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?

Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.

Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.

80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?

More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.

Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.

The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.

People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.

New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.

General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.

That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!

"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.