The Los Angeles Lakers signed LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Javale McGee. Those signings are very strange, because it's the first time that this many people have moved to L.A. to pursue their dreams without needing to apply for restaurant jobs.
ABC canceled Roseanne Barr's sitcom amid her controversial tweets. Upon hearing the news, InfoWars picked up Roseanne Barr's sitcom for 22 episodes.
The Cleveland Browns will be featured on this season of HBO's Hard Knocks. It'll provide an in depth look at Cleveland Browns practices, which will be a pleasant surprise since most football fans didn't even know that the Browns held practices.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding will reportedly cost $45 million. $44 million of the money will be spent on strippers for Prince Harry's bachelor party.
College football star Shaquem Griffin was selected in the fifth round of the NFL draft. I'm sure there's a reason why he wasn't selected in the first four rounds, but I can't quite put his hand on it.
The Cleveland Browns selected QB Baker Mayfield with first overall pick in 2018 NFL Draft. To prepare for Mayfield's tenure, Browns fans have begun to warm up their throwing arms for when they throw trash onto the field.
The Jacksonville Jaguars will feature a dog park in their stadium. Upon hearing this, Blake Bortles took his dog there to play fetch and immediately threw the ball into the mouth of a dog in a Patriots jersey.
Avicii and Verne Troyer died within a day of each other. Celebrity deaths usually happen in threes, which means that within the next couple days, we are expected to see the deaths of another one and a half celebrities.
A man in Connecticut robbed a bank in order to impress Taylor Swift. The bank tellers were upset that they couldn't stop him, especially since they knew he was trouble when he walked in.
Philadelphia Phillies manager Gabe Kapler has been heavily criticized for his poor managerial decisions. These incidents include pulling P Aaron Nola during a strong start, not starting star CF Odubel Herrera on Opening Day, and giving Roy Halladay a pilot's license.
Noted MMA fighter Conor McGregor was arrested for assault. Upon hearing of Conor McGregor's arrest, Floyd Mayweather says he can commit assault ten times better and can do so while wearing a nicer suit.
Rick Santorum suggested that the people protesting for gun reform should instead take CPR courses. Afterwards, he registered his staff members for CPR courses so they could try and revive his career.
Domino's recently released a pizza engagement ring. This sounds like a terrible thing to give to your fiancé unless you want your engagement to last thirty minutes or less.
The Cleveland Browns have acquired WR Jarvis Landry from the Miami Dolphins. They figured his experience as a Dolphin would help him thrive in an organization that's constantly underwater.
Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. For Martin, this news definitely has to be one tough $750 pill to swallow.
That's all I have for right now! Well, I wanted a bounce back year after 2017 was relatively rough, and 2018 has been the bounce back year that I hoped I would have! I'm doing a lot of standup, I'm about to get back to my DJ job that I haven't been doing for the summer, and I have a great support system of friends that have really been helping me out. It's been a good year so far, my 25th year on this planet is about to be over, and I'm about to enter the wonderful age of 26 (aka my late 20s. Gross!). Also, I haven't been writing as many topical jokes as of late because I've been focusing more on my personal standup act and how I can build a 20-25 minute set. It's tough, but what can I say, it has been a hell of a process. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Inhaling Helium"
A teenage girl recently died after inhaling helium at a party. This might be only time that I laugh when I hear someone's last words.
A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.
Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?
A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.
Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.
There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.
Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)
500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.
Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."
An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.
Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?
A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.
Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.
There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.
Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)
500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.
Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."
An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Monday, July 4, 2011
"Grunt Control"
Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".
The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.
A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.
A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?
Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.
The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.
A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.
A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?
Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.
The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 1, 2010
"A Cast On His Right Leg"
Joke of the Day: President Obama and his family went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3-D on New Year's Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it's like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.
Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.
In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.
A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.
One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.
South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.
New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."
Tiger Woods has lost another sponsor: AT&T. No, not because of his mistresses. It's because Tiger is always wearing a ball cap with a wide checkmark for a logo.
In the wake of his affairs, Tiger Woods has lost Gillette as a sponsor. As a matter of fat, Gillette had so much against Tiger that they would have considered Billy Mays to be a step up.
A federal appeals court on Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that said Apple's iPod music players do not pose an unacceptable rish to users' hearing. That is, until you plug headphones in and start listening to music.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. Don't ask me why, I blame Taylor for the break-up.
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have reportedly split. This breakup is kind of like a pair of pants: To repair a split like this one, it's going to take a Taylor for the two of them to come back together again.
One of the performers at the New Year's Eve celebration, Justin Bieber, performed despite a cast on his right leg. Apparently he took that whole "break a leg" thing too seriously.
South Dakota authorities say a woman found passed out in a stolen delivery van earlier this month registered a blood alcohol content of .708. The contents of the delivery van? I wouldn't be surprised if it was beer.
New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark had a momentary lapse during the countdown of the ball drop, where he accidentally counted down from 14 to 12 to 10 to 11. It was so bad that even George Bush knew it wasn't right. I believe Bush's exact quote was, "Switch the 14 and the 12 and you'll be just fine."
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