"Sex With Animals"

McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.

A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.

Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.

An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.

A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.

“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.

Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.

Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"The Fire In My Belly"

A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".

Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.

A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".

A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".

Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.

A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".

Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"

The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.

That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!

"Chocolate Covered Bacon"

George W. Bush says that faith helped him through the tough times in his presidency. Unfortunately, not even a prayer could increase his approval rating.

A study says that parents are choosing less common names for their children. The study is entitled, "Think of one other person named Bronx-Mowgli".

Rickey Henderson has been hired to teach the Oakland A's baseball team how to steal bases. I think they need to hire someone to teach them how to get on base.

Nike says it will continue to support Tiger Woods. I mean who better to support a company whose slogan is "Just Do It" than Tiger Woods?

According to an article in USA Today, Florida is the deadliest state for walkers and cyclists. That article is based on the fact that the people walking and cycling are in retirement.

Marie Osmond's 18 year old son has committed suicide. This came about when the boy realized that he was an Osmond.

According to sources close to Phil Jackson, LeBron James has expressed interest in joining the Los Angeles Lakers. LeBron should realize that if he joins a team like the Lakers, he can't score all the points. That's Kobe's job.

The NHL is considering keeping their players out of the Olympics in 2014. I guess that means no team Canada.

A minor league baseball stadium in Michigan is selling chocolate-covered bacon and foot long hotdogs served in Twinkies. Apparently their goal is for fans to die as soon as possible.

That's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!