"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Gaining Weight"

In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.

Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.

A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?

Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.

A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.

New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.

Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.

The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.

A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Better Than Anyone Else"

The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.

HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.

A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.

Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.

A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.

The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.

The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.

LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Rent-A-Grandma"

USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.

The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.

There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.

Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?

A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?

Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The New Voice"

Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?

The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.

Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?

A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.

Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"List Of Performances"

Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.

The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?

An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.

Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.

U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.

“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.

Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.

A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.

84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"

A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.

A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.

The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.

Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".

Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.

Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.

Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".

Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Fatty Acids"

The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.

The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.

Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.

A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.

Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".

Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.

Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.

A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Garbage Can"

John Boehner was elected the new Speaker of the House, replacing Nancy Pelosi. You know, these two are very different. One is an old man who is known for doing a good job at giving Obama a bad reputation. The other one is John Boehner.

“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.

Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.

Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.

A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.

Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.

28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.

In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.

That's all for right now! More later!

"A High Rate"

A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.

The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!

Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.

For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.

After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.

That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!

"A Computer Attack"

Joke of the Day: Britain’s oldest new dad became a father at age 79. He had the child with his 25 year old girlfriend, and claims he didn’t need Viagra. Or, as we call that in America, "Hugh Hefner".

Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.

Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.

President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?

70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.

Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.

Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.

U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.

That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!