"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Resigned As CEO"

Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.

A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.

Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.

Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.

Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!

Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.

A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Dark Chocolate"

China is pushing to ban indoor smoking in most places by May 1. The only place that allows indoor smoking will now be your grandparents' house.

According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.

Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.

Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.

A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.

A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.

Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.

A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.

A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Intelligence Leaks"

The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatles record for the most hit singles. Of course, those singles were sung by other artists.

Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.

The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.

A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".

According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.

Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.

Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.

A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".

A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?

President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.

Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".

Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.

The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!