Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
"The Most Hated Person"
9 Million people watched the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". My sympathies go out to them.
Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.
Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?
A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.
An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.
When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.
Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".
Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.
A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.
Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".
Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!
Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.
Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?
A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.
An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.
When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.
Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".
Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.
A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.
Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".
Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!
Monday, July 25, 2011
"Ecstasy And Cocaine"
The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
"A Schizophrenia Medication"
Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...
Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.
A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.
A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.
The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.
Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".
Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.
A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.
A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.
The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.
Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".
Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
"Close Relationships"
A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?
A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.
A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.
IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".
A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.
Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?
A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.
A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.
IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".
A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.
Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Better Than Anyone Else"
The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Using The F-Word"
Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Foreskin Man"
Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"Chosen By Their Fans"
Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.
The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?
A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.
Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.
The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.
A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.
A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?
A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.
Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.
The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.
A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.
A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"The Fire In My Belly"
A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"Coffee And An Aspirin"
Former National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski says that Egypt won’t become a democracy overnight. It will become a democracy the day someone can spell his name correctly.
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 31, 2011
'Safe For Women"
Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Just As Enjoyable"
On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Not An Issue"
Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
"Royal Work Load"
Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 29, 2010
"A Free Joint"
Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"Drove Off A Cliff"
There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.
President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.
Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.
Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.
China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.
A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.
Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.
A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.
There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.
Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.
A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.
A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.
Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.
Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.
China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.
A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.
Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.
A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.
There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.
Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.
A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.
A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"Pixie Dust"
Michael Jordan says that if he were playing in his prime right now, he could score 100. Of course, this means that he'd have to play the Clippers.
A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.
A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".
A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.
A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.
In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.
That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.
A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".
A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.
A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.
In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.
That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Eleven Members"
An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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