"A Distinct Odor"

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.

Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.

A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.

Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.

Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.

A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."

I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.

Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.

Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.

Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.

A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.

Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Inhaling Helium"

A teenage girl recently died after inhaling helium at a party. This might be only time that I laugh when I hear someone's last words.

A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.

Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?

A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.

Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.

There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.

Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)

500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.

Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."

An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Sex With Animals"

McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.

A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.

Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.

An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.

A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.

“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.

Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.

Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Rod And Reel"

The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?

There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.

A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.

Mila Kunis attended the North Carolina Marine Corps Ball with a soldier in the Marine Corps. That soldier is one lucky bastard.

The DMV is Washington, D.C. is offering free HIV tests. San Francisco, take note.

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: that third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of.

A survey says the most popular passwords in 2011 are “password” and “12345”. Of course, on websites where numbers and letters are both required in passwords, the most popular password was "password12345".

A man in Massachusetts caught an 881-pound tuna, only to have it taken away by authorities because he didn't catch it with a rod and reel. Sounds fishy to me.

Michele Bachmann has accused CBS News of being biased. And FOX News isn't?

A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called "pen and paper".

A Russian TV anchor has been fired for giving President Obama the finger during a live newscast. He was then immediately hired at FOX News.

That's all I have for today! Follow me on Twitter @GroperCleveland for one liners and more stupid stuffs like that. Anyway, more tomorrow!