Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Showing posts with label Gilbert Arenas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gilbert Arenas. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"
Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Friday, February 19, 2010
"Rang The Opening Bell"
Sadie, the Scottish Terrier that won the Westminster Dog Show, rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Thursday. Sadly, she was the most qualified to run the NYSE.
A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.
The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.
The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.
Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".
An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.
Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.
An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!
A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.
The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.
The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.
Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".
An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.
Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.
An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!
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