"A Slime Highway"

Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.

Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".

Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.

A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.

Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.

A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.

A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?

U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?

The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".

Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.

A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?

The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.

“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.

The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?

Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.

That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!

"Ejected After One Pitch"

Joke of the Day: Senator Christopher Dodd says that Wall Street is detached from the “real economy”. Considering this economy, isn't that kind of a good thing?

A British family was rescued after their yacht hit an iceberg. Strangely enough, the name of their boat was "Titanic".

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke gave the commencement address at the University of South Carolina and told the students that money can’t buy happiness. How would he know? It's not like he still has money.

A group of mothers in Denver is pushing for the legalization of marijuana. That's like the KKK pushing for Civil Rights.

Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work. Look, if a four-story dome can't stop a leak, I'm not sure useless scrap material will be much better.

The young adult vampire-romance series “Twilight” inspired the most popular baby names for both boys and girls in 2009. The most popular boy name was Jacob, while the most popular girl name was Edward.

Will Ferrell recently pitched in a minor league baseball game, and he was ejected after one pitch. Sounds like a remake of "Semipro".

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"Ticketed For Speeding"

Joke of the Day: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.

In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.

Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.

Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.

Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.

The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.

A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.

Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.

28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.

A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.

Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.

A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.

Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.

Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.

These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!