Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.
Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.
A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.
A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!
Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".
France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?
An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.
Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.
The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Bristol Palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bristol Palin. Show all posts
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"A Referee's Error"
In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"Signature Phrases"
A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Just As Enjoyable"
On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 6, 2010
"The First Pardons"
President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency. Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu. He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Trapped In Her Bathroom"
Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
"Royal Work Load"
Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 24, 2010
"The Youngest Climber Ever"
Joke of the Day: A government report says that one in eight public pools were shut down two years ago because of dirty water. In fact, they were so dirty that the pools considered relocating to the Gulf of Mexico.
Sarah Palin accused Pres. Obama of being in bed with the big oil companies. She also accused her daughter of being in bed with everybody.
A Massachusetts cleaning man was taken to the hospital after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. After the man was proven to be just fine, the hospital celebrated with a nice sausage barbecue.
A thirteen-year-old California boy became the youngest climber ever to reach the top of Mt. Everest. At least, that's what he told his parents.
Pres. Obama said that if LeBron James is looking for a new team, he would fit in well with Obama’s favorite Chicago Bulls. This is exactly like a bailout, but no money is involved.
A Virginia man has been sentenced to three months for disrupting an AirTran flight. The pilots were disappointed and called the man obnoxious, while the passengers called it, "The most pleasant AirTran flight in years".
The BP executive in charge of fighting the Gulf of Mexico oil spill said Monday his company knows people are frustrated by its failure to plug the well that has been gushing for more than a month. And yet, he hasn't done anything about it.
A judge on Monday ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. How about a bracelet for all the other stuff she does?
A new study says that many girls are addicted to Facebook. The same study conducted that Tiger Woods was addicted to sex.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin accused Pres. Obama of being in bed with the big oil companies. She also accused her daughter of being in bed with everybody.
A Massachusetts cleaning man was taken to the hospital after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. After the man was proven to be just fine, the hospital celebrated with a nice sausage barbecue.
A thirteen-year-old California boy became the youngest climber ever to reach the top of Mt. Everest. At least, that's what he told his parents.
Pres. Obama said that if LeBron James is looking for a new team, he would fit in well with Obama’s favorite Chicago Bulls. This is exactly like a bailout, but no money is involved.
A Virginia man has been sentenced to three months for disrupting an AirTran flight. The pilots were disappointed and called the man obnoxious, while the passengers called it, "The most pleasant AirTran flight in years".
The BP executive in charge of fighting the Gulf of Mexico oil spill said Monday his company knows people are frustrated by its failure to plug the well that has been gushing for more than a month. And yet, he hasn't done anything about it.
A judge on Monday ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. How about a bracelet for all the other stuff she does?
A new study says that many girls are addicted to Facebook. The same study conducted that Tiger Woods was addicted to sex.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Generous Maternity Leaves"
Joke of the Day: The birth control pill turns 50 this week. Those of you who chose not to use the pill, Happy Mother's Day!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
